Rome - At first glance the nineteen extravagantly kitted devil dodgers congregating in Rome today to receive the church's highest gong were sporting ten thousand dollarsworth of silken couture topped off by unmistakeable Cardinal red silk hats.
Underneath, of course, it's a very different story with few of the church's princes donning underwear for the three and a half hour ceremony in St Peter's conducted by TWO popes.
"It's a bit of a tradition, like," ecclesiastical commentator Gerry Sarcisty said, "not to bother with the old Y-fronts or boxer shorts for the big occasion."
"Still, they've all just had new tramp stamps inked on their posteriors for the occasion as is laid down in the church's manual of proceedings."
First up with the butt tattoos was Archbishop Vincent Nichols who received a brand new Miley Cyrus tatt on his shaved posterior from the new Pontifical Inker in the Catacombs.
Also inked on his scrawny derrière was Archbishop Pepe Gorgonzola of Papua Nude Guinea who now has a cute hairless chihuahua (don't ask!) tattoo with the words God's Puppy on its collar.
Meanwhile French Archbishop Henri Le Paedo chose to be inked with an image of the Virgin Mary downing a Dom Perignon chaser on the side.
"Fortunately for the Pope it was a relatively calm and windless day," Mr Sacristy added, "apart from for all those jumped bastards that he gonged up in St. Peter's Basilica."
Cardinal Murphy of Ireland is pissed as a newt.
