Study Finds America is Second Most Violent Country

Written by ESB

Friday, 21 January 2011

image for Study Finds America is Second Most Violent Country
This woman did her part by stabbing herself in the eyes

Washington, D.C. - America has fallen behind. No, not in education, healthcare or quality of life. The US is now the second most violent country in the world. So, who is the most violent? The answer is a bit surprising. Would you believe Luxembourg?

"Ooh. That's a good cheese," said House Speaker John Boehner.

Luxembourg - a tiny country in Western Europe - is home to half a million people.

"The average American commits about .005 violent acts per day whereas the average Luxembourgian commits roughly 8 violent acts per day," said Roger Paul of the Pew Research Institute.

Violent acts range from shootings to hitting old ladies on the head with a board full of rusted nails to watching "CSI: Miami."

"Luxembourgians are big on 'CSI: Miami.' They admire the simmering intensity of David Caruso," said Paul.

John Hobb, average American, is upset by the news. He said, "we got to get these numbers up. I've already kicked a few random strangers in the balls."

Speaker Boehner echoed Hobb's sentiment. "We can do better. We need to do better." Boehner says he won't commit to pro violence legislation, but hasn't ruled out a full on invasion of Luxembourg. "That's the President's decision, but I don't think we can trust such a violent society," said Boehner.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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