Dems Blame Mass. Election Results on "Larger Than Average Penis."

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Tuesday, 19 January 2010


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Boston, MS: Democratic National Committee campaign strategists are rushing today to explain the unexpectedly strong showing by Republican Scott Brown in the Massachusetts special election to fill the seat of the late Senator Edward Kennedy.

Republic pundits and party insiders are quick to call the surprisingly strong showing by Brown a referendum on nationalized health care, and the performance of the Obama Administration, in general. However, Democratic insiders dismiss these claims, charging the election and polling results are more "a reflection on the local character of this race," rather than an indicator of 2010 mid-term election results.

"Anyone claiming these election results indicate anything beyond local Massachusetts politics are mistaken," said one high ranking Democratic strategist. "These results are not a condemnation of Democratic national strategies or the Obama Administration, as reported. They are nothing more than the localized effects of a larger than average penis on the electorate."

Reporters were quick to question the strategist on whether his comments were insinuating that State Senator Brown's former history as a nude male model might have actually benefited his election performance. The strategist, however, summarily denied these charges.

"The release on the Internet of Senator Brown's nude photos might have had some small impact on the alternative lifestyle vote, however, we do not feel it was significant. The larger than average penis we are referring to is our own candidate, Martha Coakley."

The strategist explained the American voter was quite used to voting for penises of both parties year in and year out without question, "However, we suspect that Coakley was perhaps too large a penis for even the voters of Massachusetts to ignore."

The strategist pointed to Coakley's initial campaign slogan, "Just Shut Up and Vote for Me," as, "Perhaps counterproductive." And. the slogan's change to "Vote for Me, or I'll Release All the Child Rapists," once polls showed the election tightening, "Did not resonate with the independent voter." Even the controversial change to "Like You Have a Choice, Ha, Ha, Ha," was "too little, too late, to change the momentum in the race."

"We're just out of good Kennedy's," defended the strategist. "All the good ones are either already in elected office or dead by now. The rest are either in rahab, divorce court, or dumb as stumps. What are we supposed to do? Just stand there and say, 'OK, I guess Massachusetts won't have a Senator until the next generation of Kennedys get to voting age?' We even tried cloning the late Senator Kennedy, but all we got was a lifeless mass of stinking ooze. And, that even polled higher than Coakley. We had to just find someone we could stick in there until we scrounged up another Kennedy and then push her aside so our ruling family could have its rightful place in government."

Representatives for State Senator Brown took offense at the Democratic strategist's remarks. "This is outrageous, Scott is a big a penis as any Democrat," fumed the representative. "Here we have a guy who is promising to do... Well, nothing other than being just as disconnected and self serving at the expense of the voters as anyone else in the Senate, and the Democrats run around saying Coakley is a bigger penis? I've known Scott for over ten years, and all I can tell you that not only is he a big penis, he's a penis with a big ugly blue vein."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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