Written by Richard Coplin

Friday, 15 January 2010

Warning: The following may not be suited for people who are not able to tolerate sometimes negative, sometimes mean and always sarcastic political wit. Change channels now! I am not advocating physical violence against any of the characters in this essay, nor am I advocating any particular racial bias. It's SATIRE, so get over it.

The citizens will be the big winners in 2010 and Obamacare will be the final straw that breaks Harry Reid's back. He will attempt still another devious abuse of the Senate rules out of view of the American people and this time it will backfire. Hundreds of thousands of angry citizens will protest and march on Washington demanding his head. Some of these citizens will be accidently shot and wounded by Capital police but one of the angry protesters actually gets to Harry Reid who is found lying in a janitor's closet outside of his Senate office with a strange grin on his face. No one knows why. Rahm Emanuel, David Axelrod, Dick Durbin, Max Baucus, and Chris Dodd are also found there, skipping arm in arm and circling the body singing, "Ring around the rosy.....ashes, ashes, we all fall down! Just outside, Roland Burris is crouching in a corner listening to Al Franken say, "I bet you are wondering how this is going to affect, me, Al Franken?"

The event will be the catalyst for the national mobilization of angry citizens of all persuasions to take the country back. Media outlets that keep the status quo will become targets of that anger. They are boycotted and go out of business. Local politicians who refuse to listen to the people will also become targets. They are voted out of office. Nancy Pelosi is accidently trampled to death when the Democrat members of the House of Representatives run from the House floor and flee for their lives. She dies with a strange grin on her face. The only one who knows why is Alan Grayson, and he is not telling?

Cap & Trade will fail. Illegal aliens will witness the depth of the commitment and determination of the American citizens to put an end to their invasion of the United States. Current immigration laws are upheld and enforced. The anchor baby provision of the 14th amendment is repealed. Illegal aliens begin to prefer a known quality of life in their home country to the uncertainty of living here. Sheriff Joe Arpaio will become governor of Arizona where he immediately mobilizes the Arizona National Guard in a huge circle around Phoenix. He gives them real bullets. The murder and kidnap rates return to below their normal levels in one week. The Guard also manages a joint project with California that instead of sending illegal aliens back to Mexico or other home country puts them to work building a "Great Wall of America". The wall is finished in dos anyos.

ACORN will be sued for discrimination because 75% of their clients are of African American descent, 15% are Hispanic, and only 10% are Anglo Americans. Despite the aggressive efforts of the ACLU, and quite surprisingly, affirmative action is upheld by the Supreme Court in this case and ACORN is found guilty of violating the rights of Anglo Americans. The fine is enormous. They go out of business except for voter registration, where they are ordered to register new voters as a proportional quota of the overall population. George Soros, in a pot induced stupor, files for bankruptcy and in its wake is never seen or heard from again.

Card check fails and organized labor union power fades as any industry that has union employees goes broke and the jobs are moved to India and China. India and China enjoy the new opportunities for a month until, spontaneously, millions of workers band together and strike and shut down their companies. Chinese and Indian Labor unions spring up and rise to power. They demand and get excessive benefits for their members. China and India appeal to the United Nations Security Council for sanctions on the unions. Members from the United States and England delegations, however, are the lone holdouts on the Security Council and no resolutions actually pass. They exit the U. N. with a silly grin on their faces. No one knows why.

In protest, Muammar Gaddafi pitches a fit and then pitches a tent on a Donald Trump owned property. Gaddafi is accidently gassed to death when a flatulent camel is bedded down to close to the tent. While viewing the scene, Hugo Chavez attempts to blame George Bush, but while doing so looses his head (literally) when a cigar presented to him by Fidel Castro explodes in his face. This triggers the residual camel gas to explode and thus eliminate the need for packing up the tent. Donald Trump, standing close by, is unhurt, except for his hair which has been morphed by the explosion into a full mullet.

In a related global level action, and in response to the uprising in the United States, the little twerp in North Korea, Kim Jong Il, is rounded up and tied to a stake. They do not shoot him; rather, they remove his elevator shoes, shave his head bald and force him to remain alert as every peasant in the country passes by has their revenge. The other little twerp from Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is flown to Auschwitz, Germany where he is encouraged to learn about the holocaust from the few remaining survivors who offer to give him a warm shower. He is flown back to Iran and tied to a stake on a street in Tehran. He is forced to wear a "George Bush" mask and one of those big foam fingers that says, "The holocaust is real!!!" But I digress…

Finally, the GOP gets a brain, a heart and courage and follows the yellow brick road to power in 40 states, the House, Senate and White House. They immediately repeal everything passed by the Obama administration as well as Roe vs. Wade. The 43,000,000 dead babies killed since 1973 roll over in their graves. Businesses that fail are allowed to fail and die off like the dinosaurs they are. New opportunities spring up in their place putting millions of Americans back to work. Financial institutions that fail, fail and their bloated executives are rounded up and sent to Guantanamo Bay to serve as prison guards.

Both the northern and southern ice caps spontaneously return and the hole in the ozone layer closes up. Al Gore, in disgrace, is exiled to Guantanamo Bay and also becomes a prison guard. In his spare time he studies to become a polar bear trainer. In his first live session, however, attracted by the shiny Nobel medal around his neck, he is accidently eaten by one of them. The polar bear is seen with a strange grin on its face. No one knows why.

Aarlen Specter loses his re-election bid and moves to Bolivia to become an Alpaca farmer. One afternoon while he is milking what he thought was female Alpaca; he realizes it is a male. After some time, the male Alpaca tires of the fun and runs off, this startles the rest of the herd. Specter is accidently trampled to death by his own herd. No one knows why. John Kerry dies in an airplane crash on his way to the funeral in Bolivia when a large Condor is accidently sucked into one of the engines. He is given another Purple Heart posthumously. Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, Samuel L. Jackson and Sean Penn are also on the same plane. No one notices.

Hillary Clinton finally divorces from Bill and remarries Joe Biden whose wife had previously filed for and won a divorce claiming he was, as most of America finally figured out, a complete idiot. Unfortunately, on his wedding night, Biden who had a little too much to drink, trips and falls from a third floor patio. He survives the fall, but dies from suffocation as his left foot somehow ends up in his mouth.

Shortly thereafter, I win the lottery and retire to Montana to spend the rest of my long life enjoying my family and grandchildren. Because of my exceptional writing skills, I become the richest man on the earth. I use my wealth to create food, jobs, housing and health care for the poor of the earth. Wars stop. People learn to love each other. We become a planet of givers and not takers. There is no longer famine. There is no longer any illness. At this point, all of the really bad evil has been removed from the earth. Life is good.....

Then, in a start, I wake up from my best sleep ever with a smile on my face. No one knows why. I actually believed this BS and it took a while for me to realize that it was just a cruel pizza induced dream. I find myself again in that familiar large room with no furniture or windows and the nice padding on the walls and floors. I do remember now. I slowly crawl to my favorite place in the corner and begin staring at that spot, that spot, that spot.....

"Soylent green IS made out of people. They are making our food from people!"

"There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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