In a bold move to cement her hold on the Democratic Presidential front running position she commands over her rivals, Senator Hillary Clinton today proposed a $5000 government bond to be given to each child born in the United States. The bond can later be redeemed when the child reaches the age of 18, should by chance they are fortunate enough to graduate from high school.
Shortly after her proposal on national television stunned her rivals into shocked silence, her scheme was analysed by renowned mathematicians and they determined that she had really hedged her bets. For instance, in South Carolina, only 64% of students managed to graduate from High School. There was a 5% margin of error for those who left in their freshman year to accept an athletic scholarship for football or basketball at a top ten school, 2% margin for Mexican Americans who signed up for High School, but instead took a job in either brick laying, construction framing, or becoming an assistant manager at McDonalds, and were actually contributing to the economy, paying taxes, and becoming a good US citizen rather than taking up space at a school desk.
The last reported number of births was in 2002 and that number was 4,019,280. The current birthrate is figured at 14.16 per one thousand of population.
Using the 2002 figure, without adjusting for the newer birthrate data, ultimate cost for the Senator's enlightened proposal, would be $20,019,280,000 per year, amortized, not including the increase in the birthrate due to the overflow of foreign nationals flooding into the country, increased unprotected sex among minors to take advantage of the financial windfall and the opportunity to vote democratic while having a good time "doin' it".
Assuming that even 70% of the 4,019,280 children born in 2002 graduated, or even lived till their 18th birthday, that number standing in line for their check on their eighteenth birthday would be 2,813,496, representing only $14,067,481,000 in payoffs. Senator Clinton suggested the successful high school graduate could then take their $5,000 check and either enter college, or put a down payment on a first home. It is anticipated that tuition in 2025 will average $65,000 per year, and an entry level home in North Dakota will be $725,000, with more popular areas slightly higher (ed.note) When questioned, the Senator explained that with Barney Frank's legacy as Federal Budget Director, she still anticipated that undocumented, no income verification loans would still be available and mortgages would still be plentiful.
"The real cost," she said, "will be almost nothing in the initial investment. Using the strategy I developed during my White Water days, a small investment will mushroom in the 18 years it matures providing in excess of a $5,000 return, thereby providing a PROFIT to the American Taxpayer, except Republicans and small businessmen, who will have a small surcharge added to their tax return, as is only fair."
On Wall Street Monday, shares in all Pharmaceutical companies manufacturing condoms and other birthcontrol measures were sharply off. Jim Cramer said "SELL, SELL, SELL" on his nightly investment show, Bill O'Reilly was left unable to OPINE and a report from the Vatican said the Pope was considering adding $1,000 to the Baby Bond Fund to back up his stand against birth control, and applauded the Senator's forward thinking.
The Senator's husband, former President Bill Clinton, said that as soon as his wife was elected President, and the bill was passed, he would be available for fertility consultations at a modest fee.
