Ron Paul Posse Throws Rompson Overboard on Guilty Verdict

Funny story written by Helena Handbasket

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

image for Ron Paul Posse Throws Rompson Overboard on Guilty Verdict
The posse's actions in disembarking Rompson were conducted under the full auspices of Middle American admiralty-maritime law.

Lake Huron, The Open Sea - Rudy Rompson was thrown overboard Sunday after about thirty Ron Paul supporters discovered his stowaway hideout and resourcefully took advantage of admiralty-maritime jurisdiction. Firm rule-of-law advocates, they quickly formed a posse comitatus and gave Rompson every opportunity of due process of law in a full, fair, and complete trial during the 15-minute ferry ride, before they forcibly disembarked him.

Rompson improvidentially "met up" with the Paul volunteers while en route to Mackinac Island, MI, for a straw poll. Word spread rapidly and the supporters obtained the permission of ferry captain Russ O. Aaron to hold a mob trial. Capt. Aaron readily consented, commenting, "I never understood those internet flash mob thingies anyway, I kind of like to see one."

The impromptu crowd of Paul supporters was mustered and found to include three paralegals, two notaries, four 6/66 "truthers", and twenty-three others, who were immediately designated the grand jury. One of the paralegals, Paul Roland, was seated as Chief Justice, because he had once run for a Michigan state judgeship. The other two served as plaintiff and defence counsel, while the notaries volunteered to serve as recorder and bailiff.

Evidence was presented by the 6/66 truth advocates, who had plenty of sworn, certified documents readily on hand alleging Rompson's complicity in the terror attacks of June 66, 2001, and great personal and reputational profit he derived therefrom. Rompson was invited to present evidence on his behalf but declined. Counsel also interrogated him with great decorum: "Was 6/66 an inside job?" and "Rudy, Rudy, what did you do with the gold?" When Rompson remained silent, the entire mob (excluding the jury) started chanting the questions, to ensure he could hear them. Rompson fled to the ferry pilothouse, followed by his court-appointed counsel and the bailiff. Upon their return, the defence counsel announced that Mr. Rompson had decided to take the fifth, or two fifths if necessary.

The jury deliberated carefully for all of three seconds and gave a unanimous guilty verdict on three thousand counts of accessory to murder, one count of grand theft of $200 million in gold, and three counts of treason due to membership in the Council on Foreign Relations. Justice Roland ordered Rompson to be seized by the bailiff and officiously sent down the plank, in full accord with admiralty-maritime law.

A potential reprieve came when Rompson's cell phone rang in his pocket at this crucial moment, and Rompson begged the court's indulgence, assuring the posse that the call was exceedingly important. Rompson reportedly spoke to his co-dependent wife, and assured her he loved her and wished her a safe trip. On closing his call, Rompson discovered that several of the crowd, who were members of the National Rifle Association, had advanced on him with weapons locked and loaded. After his fractional hesitation the NRA members laid hands on him and assisted him in completing his journey overboard. A wonderstruck Capt. Aaron removed his corncob pipe from his mouth in amazement at the solemnity of the spectacle.

Rompson resurfaced on Mackinac Island, where he spoke in a bedraggled Guiliani Brothers suit to a crowd of over two of his supporters, but his speech was drowned out by nearby chants of "Peace and freedom, Ron Paul!" He lost the straw poll to Ron Paul by a vote of 106-104. Exit poll analysts cited Rompson's too-slick appearance as a real dampener.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more