Ron Paul Bigger Than Texas!

Funny story written by Helena Handbasket

Monday, 3 September 2007

image for Ron Paul Bigger Than Texas!
After the fundraiser, Dr. Paul inexplicably left his bag at the Huffiness estate rather than check it with TSA security.

3 Sep 07, HIGHLAND PARK, TX, USNA-- After winning the Texas GOP Straw Poll, presidential candidate Dr. Ron Paul was widely criticized for nonchalantly permitting, Associated Pravda, and CBC to report that he had placed third. Yet Paul campaign and GOP fundraising reports vindicate Paul's smile-and-shrug knee-jerk response as a fully justifiable approach to detractors.

The night before the Republicacrat Party hosted the Texas GOP Straw Poll, ostensibly for fundraising purposes, Dr. Paul held his own local fundraiser.

Compare the events:


    Republicacrats: The cramped Fort Worth Convention Center.

    Ron Paul: The private Highland Park estate of independently wealthy Paul supporter Don Huffiness.

    Advantage: Paul.


    Republicacrats: Have never before hosted a straw poll-- and it showed.

    Ron Paul: Has been hosting Texas fundraisers since before half his constituents were born.

    Advantage: Paul.


    Republicacrats: Over 1000 voters for 12 candidates, many of which came only to see headliners Hugh Cort, Ray McKinney, and John Cox.

    Ron Paul: Over 1000 voters for only one candidate.

    Advantage: Paul.

Other Attendees

    Republicacrats: Over 1500 additional Ron Paul supporters, uncredentialed to vote, were a clear majority over lint pockets of supporters of Rudy Rompson, as well as those of announced candidates.

    Ron Paul: Other candidates' supporters invited to attend, but, like Rompson, refused to show up.

    Advantage: Paul.

Dress Code

    Republicacrats: Formal attire strictly regulated according to the Straw Poll canon, "Anything but Ron Paul T-shirts".

    Ron Paul: No formal dress code. Attendees voluntarily self-regulated into a consensus of "No other candidate shirts necessary".

    Advantage: Paul.


    Republicacrats: The Party invented last-minute convoluted rules that disenfranchised hundreds of voters who could not recite the Gettysburg Address verbatim on command (some of whom were not even Paul supporters).

    Ron Paul: Everyone could vote who read the public notice of the fundraiser, which had been available for the past 24 hours at the members-only meetup webpage.

    Advantage: Paul, probably.

Entrance Fee

    Republicacrats: $75, which was non-refundable to those denied entrance because they showed up for the 1 p.m. vote after 10 a.m., or wore a Ron Paul T-shirt.

    Ron Paul: $0, which was also non-refundable for obvious reasons.

    Advantage: Paul.

Featured Speakers

    Republicacrats: Fully half of the 12 billed candidates refused to attend.

    Ron Paul: 100% of featured candidates appeared, and he spoke to rousing applause.

    Advantage: Paul.


    Republicacrats: Texas Gov. Rick Perry, a Rudehead, and his immediate predecessor, former president George W. Bush, both expected over 2000 voters-- achieving only 60% of goal (much of this unmet goal was due to assuming the presence of every one of Rudy Rompson's split personalities).

    Ron Paul: had confirmed only 27 RSVPs, so turnout was over 4000% of goal.

    Advantage: Paul.

Official Poll Results

    Republicacrats: D. Hunter 534, E. Else 283, R. Rompson 266, R. Paul 217.

    Ron Paul: R. Paul 1000+, E. Else 0.

    Advantage: If not Paul, it must be Duncan Hunter and Everyone Else, neither of whom hosted fundraisers, and both of which have already formally endorsed Dr. Paul for president.

Fundraising Results

    Republicacrats: Mandatory entrance fees totalled $97,000.

    Ron Paul: Voluntary giving totalled $102,000 (not to mention another $300,000 of in-kind gifts dutifully reported to the Federal Election Commission, such as hundreds of Ron Paul Revolution signs, seven freshly designed news web sites and a statewide shadow government).

    Advantage: Paul.

Paul campaign manager Lew Moore summed up, "We were bigger than Texas to those kids."

President-Elect Clinton, Demon from New York, coming off a fresh victory at the CFR Straw Poll in Davos, Switzerland, downplayed the news. She insisted that the ongoing debate of solid issues was essential to allow Middle Americans to reach consensus and accept her presidency.

Dr. Paul knows from experience how to outraise, outmanoeuvre, outperform, and outturnout an entire state. In Iowa this June, local party hack Ed Failure excluded Paul from a debate hosted by Christian and taxpayer alliances. The Paul campaign objected that Failure had invited six other candidates, even unannounced polytheist tax-hiker Rudy Rompson; but had barred Dr. Paul, regularly voted as the taxpayer's best friend, and a Baptist clergyman to boot. When Failure failed to yield, Dr. Paul reached in his back pocket, rented the same facility for the hours immediately after the debate, and obtained twice the attendees for one-sixth as many debaters. Rompson had no comment, as it was unclear if he was even in the race, while Sen. John McCain charged Paul with "spamming".

After learning his latest fundraising success had single-handedly trumped the best efforts of every other Republicacrat in the state of Texas combined, Dr. Paul tearfully reminisced to his early days in the House, when Alaska received admission to the USNA (then the "United States of America") and gave Texas pride a similar check. Paul recounted, "Old Sam Rayburn was so distraught to see this Alaskan wasteland seriously considered as the 49th state. Mr. Sam kept complaining at every turn that Texas pride was undone, that Texas should not yield its primacy to such a folly. The poor Alaskan delegate had to sit and take it all. Finally Mr. Sam objected outright to Texas becoming the second-largest state, and the Alaskan rep lost his temper and shot back, 'Shut up, or we'll cut it in half and you'll be THIRD!'"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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