Clinton Elected at CFR Straw Poll; Ron Paul Shrugs

Funny story written by Helena Handbasket

Monday, 3 September 2007

image for Clinton Elected at CFR Straw Poll; Ron Paul Shrugs
Clinton's husband gladhands Tony Blair at CFR meeting, refusing to release his robotic clench until Blair votes Clinton.

3 Sep 07 DAVOS, SWITZERLAND, EU-- After a cordial weekend of debates, The Spoof can reveal results from the quiet straw poll held this weekend by the Council on Foreign Relations (tip of the hat to anonymous delegate from Transylvania). In related news, Associated Pravda and CBC simultaneously updated online stylebooks today to dictate that, on first reference, the junior New York senator must appear as "President-Elect Clinton".

The majority of delegates were United States of North America citizens, but voters hailed from each of the other world unions and preunions. Though some are unable to vote in the Middle American election, any member may be a CFR delegate who can demonstrate economic control over at least one Middle American voter: but this requirement has been more informal of late. Delegate Romano Prodi commented on the voting process, "We mostly all know each other by now, and anybody here can produce proof of a hundred votes in his pocket on demand. A couple folks here have power over millions of jobs, millions of votes."

The CFR straw poll is a quadrennial event, scheduled in 3-modulo-4 years for Labour Day Weekend, the Communist memorial holiday that honours the millions of labourers who performed an unparalleled feat of hard labour by lobbying Congress for another day off. Unlike CFR polls in previous years, the frontrunner was not seriously challenged and friendly debate concentrated more on "How" than on "Who": e.g., How can government divert money, guns, and other property away from the unwilling by combining misdirection and coercion? CFR released the results of the poll after voter validation early Monday morning:

H. Clinton 100%
E. Else 0%

By long-standing CFR tradition, anyone can disqualify minority votes postpoll upon sufficient proof of voter incompetence. Valid proofs for disqualification include such taboos as committing an indecency witnessed by undercover law enforcement, recently resigning from the current administration or voting for a minority in a CFR poll. Disqualified voters are discreetly disposed of-- a convenient data-massaging method that has historical roots in the Council of Nicaea, the Civil War Congress, and countless James Bond films. Evidence for the CFR approach's effectiveness rests in its never having received a single complaint from any disqualified voter.

President-Elect Clinton thanked the delegation, her supporters, and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. She looks forward to fourteen months of hard campaigning before Middle Americans ratify the CFR results, and four to twelve years of progressive administration. The president-elect also stressed the importance of other campaigners, unauthorized by the CFR; she insisted that the ongoing debate of solid issues was essential to allow Middle Americans to reach consensus and accept her presidency.

The Spoof's source also reveals that Rudy Rompson received formal nomination as designated loser-- an upset for Ron Paul, who was widely expected to come out the loser. This coveted one-year post carries the important duties of loyal opposition, piquant counterpoint, and distracting voters from government diversion of money, guns, and other property. Apparently, Paul, who has three hundred million grassroots volunteers in eighty thousand unofficial meetup groups, was too "hot" for the designated loser slot, and delegates desired a candidate with more discretion, not to mention deference to Voter News Service.

Rompson, an admitted schizophrenic with three well-adjusted personalities, responded with only a jowly "No comment", since he has not announced his candidacy yet. Rompson's followers, known as "Rudeheads", expect him to announce late Monday whether he will make another announcement on Thursday.

"Spin Doctor" Paul, always ready with the most genial view of matters, emphasized that he had once again demonstrated an indisputable ability, in a widely respected and feared poll, to snatch a solid second place. He reminisced back to 1988, when he had scored third place in a very important straw poll, the general election. However, due to its antiquity, he instructed campaign staff not to include that finish in his win-place-show totals.

Dr. Paul brushed aside the president-elect's showing, reaffirming confidence that his supporters will carry the day, even in the face of the CFR. Paul repeated that ever since his entry into the race, unexpected and overwhelming support has constantly arisen from unofficial sources. He added, "Just last month, there was a knock at my door, and when I opened it I was surprised to see Jesus Christ, fresh on his Second Coming. We had a heavenly visit, and, man! Does he understand global politics! Our team has always counted on Christ's support, but we had no expectation of such a personal endorsement. There are millions of folks listening to Christ's daily broadcasts, and this is sure to affect matters-- even if he can't vote personally if the INS does not grant him American citizenship in time."

(The Immigration and Naturalization Service has currently issued a warrant for Mr. Christ, who also uses such fundamentalist pseudonyms as King of Kings, The Nazarene, and Yeshua Mashiach. (Autopsy had shown prior reports of Christ's death while in custody applied to the wrong man, whose name was actually Jesus Rodriguez.) The INS seeks to deport Mr. Christ for illegal entry into the United States of North America, and because he looks Middle Eastern. The Department of Justice has charged him with other capital crimes. However, Christ's current whereabouts are unknown, and legal analysts argue Christ cannot face retrial on capital charges due to double jeopardy.)

The CFR would not formally confirm The Spoof's results, releasing only a prepared address: "Our avocational and informative discussions, regarding such dry topics as world conquest and global domination, continue our working groups' important efforts in these matters. We have affirmed that the 44th president of Middle America will face serious challenges, whoever she may be."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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