Boxer Bill Proposes Life Begins at Discharge

Funny story written by Helena Handbasket

Sunday, 2 September 2007


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Home of Scotus, the nine-headed black beast, formerly docile to Sen. Boxer, which rabidly turned on her this year.

2 Sep 07 OAKLAND, CA, USNA-- California's diminutive junior senator, Barbara Levy Boxer, emitted proposed human rights legislation this weekend which resolves innumerable ethical dilemmas by defining human life as beginning upon discharge from hospital. This seminal bill had, as co-sponsor, Boxer's ex-niece-in-law, Senator Clinton.

The bill is a full-scale Boxer rebellion, directly responsive to "Gonzalez v. Carhart", a 2007 pronouncement of Scotus, the nine-headed black beast of Washington, DC. In typically bipolar fashion, the Scotus creature upheld a ban on partial-birth abortion (PBA), simultaneously asserting that PBA is not a right and that PBA would be a right if it changed one of its minds.

The PBA ban originally passed over the deeply felt objections of Boxer, known on the Hill as "Boxer Shorts" due to her 5'0" height. During a prior debate over PBA, Boxer disseminated the view that "when you bring your baby home when your baby is born, the baby belongs to your family and has rights. The Constitution makes no human rights provision before that time. The birth canal doesn't really end until the baby reaches the hospital doors."

Analysts affirmed that comparing the trillion-dollar pharmaceutical-medical complex to a vagina is a purely alimentary deduction, which has compelling historical analogues in law and poetry.

Sen. Tom Coburn and Rep. Ron Paul, both obstetricians, vociferously challenged the proposal, noting that homebirth practitioners would receive unfair treatment. Boxer countered that the state has no cognizance of babies born at home until it issues their birth certificates, citing the 14th amendment's distinction between "born" and "naturalized" citizens. Under her bill, homebirths do not generate viable life until a birth certificate exits the government's nether regions.

She added that her two opponents, who have collectively delivered the equivalent of the population of Taxachusetts, had a conflict of interest in that they clearly just wanted to increase their voting constituencies underhandedly through the birthing process.

The pug-nosed Boxer arrived at her views as a laureate of the Peter Singer Centre for Human Values at Princeton University. Professor Singer himself, familiar with Boxer's proposed legislation, told, "She's a woman after my own heart. Parents should have the enshrined right to determine the personhood of their products of conception when they are ready to make that choice in a planned and wanted way. This bill will be a partial rebirth of those rights."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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