Virtual Ayn Rand to run for U.S. presidency

Funny story written by Jack Battler

Saturday, 7 April 2007

image for Virtual Ayn Rand to run for U.S. presidency

IRVINE, CA -- As Ayn Rand fans worldwide celebrate the 50th anniversary of Rand's best-selling opus "Atlas Shrugged" the Estate of Ayn Rand has announced that they have developed a computer program enabling the queen of philosophical fiction to run for president in 2008.

Dagny Roark, a Rand estate spokesman said the idea for the virtual Rand was prompted by an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation when a famous scientist was re-created on the holodeck to help solve a problem with the ship's engines.

"It's clear the technology exists," Roark said. "We have everything Rand ever wrote or recorded entered into a program that can create new responses based on the previous writings and thoughts of Ms Rand. We also consulted with her friends and Rand experts to help fill in any blanks that may arise and to give it a more personal feel.

"The need for a pro-capitalist, free market president is becoming critical," Roark continued. "We took a look around at all the potential candidates and saw no one who had the philosophical principles that would also be willing to run for president... and in truth, if Ms Rand were alive she would never want to be president, but using this new technology we can get all the benefits of her philosophy."

Although Rand has been dead since the early '80s, the program has only been under development for about 3 years and includes an interactive video projection that simulates Rand by combining images from photographs and video.

"It's an amazing thing to interact with Ms Rand in person," said an unidentified friend of the late writer. "Even given the limitations of the program -- which we are still improving on -- it is like stepping into a whole different universe where reason and good will reign supreme. If we get this just right we have what could possibly be the next president sitting right here in this computer."

As to how they would get around the fact that Rand was not a citizen of the United States Roark said it would not be a problem.

"That won't apply. This program was created in the United States, Roark said. "And there is nothing un-American about her philosophy. In fact, that's the reason behind this whole project. Right now there are no candidates who understand or believe in individual rights as strongly or consistantly as Rand. I just can't wait to have the other candidates debate with Rand... she'll absolutely embarrass them."

Some of the things that would likely change under an Ayn Rand administration:

  • De-regulation of every field of endeavor
  • Privatization of education, postal services, transportation and energy providers
  • Phasing out of all welfare benefits including Medicare and Social Security
  • Abolition of all non-voluntary taxation
  • Return to the gold standard as soon as possible
  • Withdrawal from the UN
  • A 98% reduction in the size of the governmental buearacracy leaving only the police, the military and the court system as legitimate governmental bodies
  • A complete sessation of all foriegn aid payments

And that's just to get started. When asked about how to deal with the current war on terror the computer simulated Rand returned the following statement.

"I will begin with a clean slate. An announcement will be made that starting now any act of aggression against the U.S. or any U.S. citizen will be met with overwhelming force. Any country found to be supporting terrorism against us will be ended by military force as quickly as possible. No negotiation with terrorists or violators of this policy will be necessary or tolerated by this administration. My platform overall will be one of returning the U.S. to a state similar to that which was envisioned by the founding fathers of this country where every man can pursue life, liberty and happiness free of goverment intervention and where the rule of law rather than the rule of politicians is supreme."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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