BILLINGSGATE POST: Taking a proactive stance regarding the maintenance issues of the approximately 400-500 fire hydrants installed in the metropolitan area of Norfolk, Nebraska, Mayor Shane Clausen announced today that the City will be retrofitting the hydrants with motion sensors and a revolving gear assembly.
Clausen, a practical man who believes in unity and solutions, will be following the lead of former New York City Mayor, Bill de Blasio. It was Mayor de Blasio who first introduced this innovative solution as a remedy for the rusting fire hydrants in New York. Citing the budget draining cost of maintaining them, and knowing full well that the pampered mutts of Manhattan were targeting the hydrants on their daily walks, he decided to implement Pavlov’s Law to quell this behavior.
Starting in the Central Park area of Manhattan, he retrofitted hundreds of fire hydrants with motion sensors and revolving gear assemblies. Whenever a dog lifted his leg to pee on the hydrant, it would start to revolve counter clockwise at 8 RPM’s. The dog’s natural instinct would make him attempt to keep up with his target. Although some of the dogs would suffer from vertigo and just wander off confused, others would tip over because walking on three legs made it too difficult to keep up, sometimes even falling in its own piddle.
Now, instead of slobbering whenever he sees a fire hydrant, the little darling will briskly walk by without even an urge to lift his leg: A lesson learned.
Pavlov 1- Dog 0.
The next question: How will Norfolk’s mayor pay for this? To replace and install a new fire hydrant costs $8000 to $10,000 per unit. To add a sensor and gear assembly to an existing hydrant runs around $2000 per unit. With an estimated 400-500 units in the city, that could cost nearly $1,000,000.
The mayor’s plan: “We will ask for private donors to fund this. For a pithy $2000 donation, the donor can have his or his dog’s name embossed on the hydrant nearest his home. I see no problem.”
Dr. Slim: “A small price to pay for immortality.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Rust free fire hydrants are a thing of beauty.”
