BILLINGSGATE POST: Elmer had no political ambitions; unless you count being the mayor of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, an aspiration. Running unopposed, he promised to convert all of the rusting fire hydrants in Beaver Crossing so that they revolved, a new technology first introduced to New York City by Mayor De Blasio.
De Blasio couldn’t believe how much it was costing the City to maintain its fire hydrants. Blaming the dogs who pissed on the stationary targets at will, he decided to fix the problem by placing the hydrants on a revolving platform. Using artificial intelligence, whenever a dog lifted his leg, the hydrant would slowly revolve at 20 RPM, a number extrapolated from data collected over the past century.
Well, as one might imagine, the dogs hated it. Used to being pampered at their Park Avenue addresses, the despicable curs, on a leash with their paid walkers, were not exactly happy trying to hop around on three legs while trying to pee while the hydrant was slowly rotating at 20 RPM. Some suffered from vertigo and fell into their own piddle; not exactly pleasant for a high strung poodle with an attitude.
But when Elmer was in New York for a mayor conference headed by De Blasio, he was intrigued by the idea. Heading back to Beaver Crossing, he was humming, “If you can make it in Beaver Crossing, you can make it anywhere.”
There were only 12 fire hydrants in all of Beaver Crossing. The new ones were installed in less than a week. Elmer’s buttons were popping when he turned on the switch activating the new hydrants.
Although almost every household had a dog, they weren’t blue bloods like in New York. And they weren’t on leashes. The first time they saw the hydrants, it was a mad rush to be the first to try them out.
There were at least a dozen mutts lined up to take a shot at the new fire hydrant on Main Street. There were at least that many widows tee-heeing behind their black veils, just waiting for their dog to get his chance at the revolving hydrant.
The first dog was a mixed-breed, possibly a Doberman-Chihuahua, Who knows?
His owner, a 78 year old widow, possibly a mixed breed, herself, bought the dog to take the place of her husband, who passed away while riding a Tilt-a-Whirle at the County Fair. Assuaging the pain of her loss, she named the dog Homer, after her late husband.
Well, Homer wasn’t the smartest dog. Upon lifting his leg to take a pee on the hydrant, he made the mistake of going counter-clockwise against the flow of the rotating hydrant. The next thing you know, he was hopelessly floundered in his own dribble, just another victim of artificial intelligence.
The other dogs, after witnessing this humiliating incident, respectfully put their tails between their legs and wandered home. Mayor Smuckmeister was pleased as punch.
Dr. Slim: “A heart warming tale that might transform humanity.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Don’t get carried away. It may not be true.”
