BILLINGSGATE POST: From time to time, the need for a forum to answer some of life’s intimate questions outweighs all other necessities. It also provides an opportunity for Dr. Billingsgate to utilize the profound knowledge and intellectual bonafides that the good doctor garnered while scoring twelve doctorates during a lifetime of unbelievable academic achievement.
To underscore the variety of questions I have received over the years from desperate people looking for an answer, I have included the following.
Dear Dr. Billingsgate,
I read with interest your story about the woman who crazy glued her unfaithful husband's testicles to the bed frame to make sure he didn't sneak out while she was sleeping. I hope you don't mind me asking how she managed to do this without arousing her husband. What do you suggest?........Hillary Clinton
Dearest Hillary,
While this does not specifically answer your question, there are two interweaving maxims that you might consider: Never poke a sleeping bear, and chaste makes waste.
Perhaps you could scotch tape his hands to the sheets in lieu of crazy gluing his testicles to the bed frame. In the morning, if you noticed that the seals were broken, you might conclude that he had wandered off during the night, and then slap him silly.
Respectfully,
Dr. Billingsgate
Today, I will share with you a question from Elmer Smuckmeister, a lonely widower from Beaver Crossing, Nebraska:
Dear Dr. Billingsgate,
Some twenty years ago, one of my mules kicked my dear wife in the head and she went into a coma, where thankfully, she never recovered. Other than a fling with a latter-day Jezebel who was after my money, I have remained celibate to a fault. Recently, however, I have felt primal urgings while shearing one of my sheep. With all this new “Awoke” terminology coming out, does this mean that I might be non-binary?…Elmer Smuckmeister
Dear She, Her, He and Him,
Thank you for your question. It is rare that I have the opportunity to score a trifecta where I can use at least three of my doctorates simultaneously; in this case: Theology, Anthropomorphism and Taxidermy.
Theologically: Them, it and they have always bonded with animals, even in Biblical times. However, having carnal knowledge with a sheep - sometimes referred to as the Devil’s playmate - should only occur if no other furry animal is available. My advice: Proceed at your own risk.
Anthropomorphism: Attributing human characteristics to non-human objects, like animals, does not let you off the hook, at least, not in my book. Although Sphinxes, Centaurs and Minotaurs were part of the culture in ancient Greece and Egypt, they gradually lost their sexual allure over the millenniums. If you are still fascinated by these creatures, it might indicate that you could go either way.
Taxidermy: Anyone who has ever mounted a sheep knows that they can never go back to binary. In other words, Elmer, you can put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.
Respectfully,
Dr. Billingsgate
Dr. Slim: “Sometimes, the truth is so self-evident that reason doesn’t apply.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. If that is true, why bother to think?”
