BILLINGSGATE POST: Springfield, Ohio, isn’t the only town overwhelmed by the influx of Haitian migrants who have put a strain on their resources.
Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, a small village in Nebraska with a population of 450, has doubled in size in the last year. Although rumors of missing cats and dogs have been circulating among the gossiping widows, who have nothing better to do, there seems to be little basis for this tittle-tattle.
On the other hand, Elmer Smuckmeister, fearing the worst, has locked up his sheep and hired extra guards for his watermelon patch.
The local schools have been impacted the most. Although the boys, the ones who haven’t transisted, weren’t affected by the Haitian kids that much, the girls, however, are falling in love with the Haitian guys who can roll joints with one hand while playing the bongos with the other.
It’s never too late to learn a new trick. The aforementioned widows, desperate to find a new sugar daddy, are being tutored by Haitian witch doctors on how to sacrifice chickens and goats so that they can cast a spell on unsuspecting farmers like Elmer.
Elmer has a few tricks up his sleeve, too: Reverse Voodoo. Evidently, the Haitians had never heard of a Montana Pole. They thought sheep were around just for their lamb chops and wool.
“WRONG! Turkey breath.”
Dr. Slim: “You Do Something To Me.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Do That Voodoo That You Do So Well.”
