BILLINGSGATE POST: Fly Face, who has successfully predicted the outcome of every election since Patrice Émery Lumumba was elected as the first Prime Minister of the independent Democratic Republic of the Congo in 1960, now predicts that Donald Trump will beat Komrade Kamala by a margin of a “gnats ass” this coming November.
As a footnote to history, Lumumba’s victory was short-lived. He disappeared three months into his office, and was later found in the stomach X-RAY’s of his political rival, Joseph Kasa-Vubu. This was long before cannibalism became a mainstay in American politics.
Fly Face’s real name is Felixweather Limpp, a renegade independent pollster. A slightly overweight 42-year-old man with a shock of white hair and a grimaced expression on his face, he dresses slovenly, with flies constantly buzzing about his face, which they use for an ersatz landing strip.
Komrade Kamala, who herself, has a problem with body odor and terminal halitosis, calls Fly Face the “most disgusting man I have ever met.” Yet, when asked to compare him to her running mate, Tim Walz, she hesitated momentarily behind her mask, her darting eyes bouncing like two pin balls, then with a slight cackle, demurred with a typical fruit word salad: “That’s like comparing apples to oranges.”
Although respected by his peers, Felix Weatherlimpp hated it when they called him Fly Face. He was, after all, a very sensitive man, polite to a fault. When ending an interview, he would request:
“Would you, please, not call me Fly Face.”
Slim: “Other than his problem with flies, he has impeccable credentials.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. But he will never be respected by those who practice hygiene.”
