The laundry staff at Mar-A-Lago have added their voices to Trump’s ongoing indictment by adding their voices to those of Jack Smith. This reporter was able to get one staff member on tape to record what the world now knows about the greatest spy in American history and his manner of “secretly” handing out sensitive documents.
Donald Trump and his bathroom.
Emilio Alonzo said, “Yes, when the Russian diplomat was here he took a piss and a long long shit, and then some documents were gone and his suit jacket didn’t fit so good no more. And when Xi Jinping, the Chinese dictator was here, his wife picked her teeth in the mirror since she had a lot of crab and shrimp in her blackened teeth … and then some more documents went missing.
"Her ball gown didn’t seem to fit too good after that. And then she went back to the table and shortly after Xi himself went to the bathroom to release a long pent-up fart and … yep, more documents went missing.
"I don’t know if Mister Donald said anyone who takes a shit or piss in his bathroom gets a souvenir, but boy oh boy, did a lot of people go to that bathroom!
"The chef said the food was good – but he was scared of getting fired by Mister Donald ‘cuz he thought he gave diarrhea to everybody. And when I heard the word souvenir, I thought they meant perfume or a splash of cologne, but when Mister Donald plays, he plays big! Secret documents – everything must go!
"Mister Trump is the best spy secret agent the Russians and Chinese ever had. Letting Putin meddle in the election … that should’ve been everyone’s first clue that there was a rat in the White House.
"He was the swamp! He’d sell anything to anyone. Ivanka was bought by the Saudi Crown Prince … but I don’t wanna say anything about that … that guy can get me killed – he’s done it before.”
I didn’t have to investigate this story further since Emilio basically wrote the whole thing for me. Thanks, Emilio, you will soon have a star reporter position at CNN or the View, whichever has lots of openings from all the fired reporters.
For me, I have to take a shit and a piss and pick my teeth which are black with caviar, too! Excuse me, I need a retirement fund – I’ll just sell my “souvenir” to the highest bidder, and then relax on one of Putin’s or Xi’s luxury yachts floating deep behind enemy lines … possibly somewhere around Cuba.