While another mass shooter was busy killing children and taking selfies, Greg Abbott was busying himself in his driveway grappling with the bicycle tire repair kit he received as a Christmas gift last year for his wheelchair. Now that he actually needed it, he was far from pleased.
"I'll gather all those foreign bicycle repair folks and send them on a bus straight to Biden's house!"
Not entirely clear what that had to do with anything, and with the tire still flat, poor old Greg couldn't think straight. His fingers were coated in excess gun oil, causing the repair kit to repeatedly slip from his grasp.
"Where are my trusty maids and gardeners – those fine individuals I pay a whopping 3 cents a day to? And they're glad to get it, mind you! Get one of them to fix this mess."
However, Gregggggg's hired Latino servants, Juan and Emilia Sanchez, were attending a memorial for the countless Hispanic children lost to the senseless violence inflicted by crazy white people armed with AR-15s.
They had asked Mr. Abbott for candles for the memorial but, his chided them, saying, "Candles don't grow on trees! Get a job and buy your own!"
The maids explained, "We have jobs. We work for you!"
To which he replied, "Not at this very moment, you're not. Finish up that goddamn vigil and get back to work!"
Staying at the vigil all night, Gregggooogle's flat tire remained unmended. He just span in circles in his driveway, going around and around without getting anywhere, endlessly ranting the same story. No one would listen, but all the while, an irate governor with a chip on his shoulder raged against everyone and anyone – but certainly not against himself, because, as we know, assholes never know they’re assholes.
Meanwhile, yet again another 23 individuals have met their tragic demise by “accidental bullet” in Texas. In response, the NRA handed out balloons and miniature pink AR-15s to all the obedient white boys and girls who know how to "run real fast to get out of the way of the yucky bullet!"
So, dear kids, who among you would like to give good ol' Unkie Greg a helping push?