Since he has been waiting for one of his many court dates, Trump has gained weight eating burgers, burritos, Melania’s and Ivanka’s famous hickory smoked tacos, and stuffing down more top-secret documents which the FBI never found.
To try and lose some of the weight, Trump goes swimming in the Atlantic Ocean daily. One day last week, he swam out too far or the undertow took him out into international waters, and then things got interesting.
A Japanese whaling boat came up hard behind Trump as he flailed his thick, flabby arms in the water, trying to row himself back to shore. The Japanese do not understand American gestures – only able to best assume they’re always violent – so the harpoon was made ready, and the captain gave the order to fire!
It was a scene from Moby Dick! But the pasty white whale couldn’t give much of a fight. The Japanese boat hauled in the bulk of 45 and dragged him onto the bow. The steel cable snapped trying to lug him up, but he was finally out of the water. He blubbered about a stolen vote and how everyone is against him and if he were prez again he’d end the wars of the world but start new ones somewhere else.
The Japanese understood nothing. They started thinking in terms of sushi, the top chef on board sharpening his Ginsu knife.
Donald saw the chef coming – and not to serve him a five-course meal – but to make him into lunch, so the hilarious American president flopped his way off the bow and back into the water, diving down deep in the hopes that the boat wouldn’t find him again, and he could return to his pod at Mar-A-Lago.
He washed up on shore in Florida, and racist cops drove him quickly to Burger King, where Donald bought everybody burgers and fries, and they all gorged and gorged, and Donald still refuses to go back to his gym, where his personal coach keeps telling him to cut out fatty foods or he’ll become one.
Once again, Moby the Dick survives another Ahab.
