Officials in one of our nation's most cherished states announced today a new motto. The announcement was made from a rest stop that was made famous by a former governor's assignations there under highway patrol protection.
The state is known for its ever continuing campaign to have the most overpaid state workers, highest taxes and car insurance. It also has PCPs who refer more patients for more things that they could handle themselves than any others imaginable. The state has the greatest number of toxic waste sights per square foot of any place on planet earth.
It also has the largest number and highest paid law enforcement in every possible manifestation of uniform and title who do nothing except wait around for a woman who escaped to Cuba from a correctional facility here over 50 years ago.
"Got A Problem With That" will now appear on the state's license plates (on front and back of cars so you can get the middle finger from one of the many psychopaths here without them removing their hands from the steering wheel), flag, on signs entering the state, and on all schools, police departments, government offices, and out-of-service bathhouses in their historically and culturally renowned cities whose STDs are the stuff of legend.
The state's "finest," famous for driving ninety plus miles per hour to get a former governor to a life changing meeting with a women's basketball team (only to crash to have him helicoptered near death to a trauma center because he doesn't wear a seatbelt and likes "to move around inside vehicles' while working on his laptop, and in which trauma center one of the state's union bosses who was still in love with him was barred from his room), stood in full dress regalia with their badges glinting in the air.
These hallowed officers who put their lives on the line every day by taking on the most dangerous criminals found riding their bikes on sidewalks, landscaping crews urinating on the side of the road, and people smoking on the beach, driving with their license plate bulbs burned out, or talking on their cell phones while parked with the motor running, saluted as the governor began his dedication.
They are also among the nation's highest paid law enforcement, even higher than New York City's where police only have to face "minor" challenges such as people being pushed onto subway tracks, shooters in Times Square, Son of Sam, planes crashing into skyscrapers, lawyers paying off tabloids and big-busted women named after weather conditions, and multi-millionaire pedophiles living in the most expensive residence in the one of the most expensive places on earth. Yes, the latter did relocate to less elegant digs in the Metropolitan Correctional Center (briefly), but let's not get hung up on that sterling American right now.
The point is that the finest in this bluest of the blue states are brave civil serpents (servants, I mean).
"Got A Problem With That" will appear on all license plates beginning in January 2024 to proudly remind every driver (either behind or in front of any other driver) of the spirit for which this state is legendary.
The state bird (an extended middle finger) will appear in the left corner of the license plate and the new symbol that will cover almost the entire surface of the new state flag, the leaf blower, will appear in the right corner of the license plate.
During the roll out period of the new license plates, the new state motto will only be in Spanish, since the governor will be announcing today that Spanish only is to be spoken by all government workers during work hours.
The governor then made the following speech:
"I am delighted today, to announce that our new state motto will soon appear on all government buildings, schools, post offices, libraries, state park signs, active and inactive bathhouses, rest stops, arenas, and will be there to greet visitors to our great state! Sure, having it in Spanish might be confusing to some, but I want all the Mexican, Central and South American gangs to feel welcome.
“Additionally, our state bird--something only an ornithologist could love--always needed to be changed to reflect the reality of our state since the days when it was one of the nation's first colonies ruled by a Tory governor who remained loyal to the British throne during America's fight for independence over 200 year's ago as record numbers of deserters hid out in our version of the Everglades.
“Remember that children who are also enjoying today's events: You're growing up in the only state whose governor remained loyal to the British Crown during our nation's finest hour! UK, UK, UK! Go Manchester United!
“The state flag will now be covered with an enormous yellow and blue leaf blower with the new motto proudly written beneath it (in Spanish with the English version underneath it).
“Leaf blowers are at the heart of our state's economy, as are those orange-vested immigrants who make all our lives so much better with their roaring sounds, and 100 mile per hour gusts that lift your ninety year old grandmothers with osteoporosis off the ground if they're lucky enough to be in their path. And let's not forget the impact these long suffering new arrivals have on transportation in this state.
“Yes, you got it kids, taxis. Why I know a town now that has one taxi with a Spanish name on it for every five residents. There's a whole dictionary of Spanish words a kid could learn just by sitting on a curb in one of our towns that now looks like more like Honduras than Toledo. See, our friends from the south benefit us in so many ways.
“What about all that obesity-inducing food they serve you in fast-food restaurants. Let's go Argentina!
“On the topic of taxis, I do want to announce my signing of the first in the nation legislation eliminating the need for a license, insurance, or registration for immigrants. Their lot in life is hard, and they do all the jobs nobody else wants to do. The least we can do is not put them through the indignities of a driving test and save them the onerous expenses of insurance and registration.
“Sure, conservatives want to blame them for increased pedestrian fatalities and car accidents, but as a progressive I can only borrow from the Gipper and say, "There you go again."
“Continuing in this regard, I am proud to announce as an asylum state that we are waving all expenses for food, housing, healthcare (we'll just put it down as 'uncompensated care' and raise the rates on insurance for all people who are legally here), and clothing.
“Law enforcement will not be allowed to check anyone for legal status in the United States and this will include all gang members from south of our border. Our police are never outside their comfortable stations anyway so no one will notice much of a change.
“Sure, gangs do bad things, but don't you think, kids, that their tats are really cool? How about those machetes? Guns may be illegal here but we celebrate machetes during our events to honor Spanish-speaking undocumented friends.
“Also, what do you call that pharmaceutical company your mommy or daddy work for that pumps out all those opioids? That's a gang, isn't it, and a drug cartel.
“So it's all about tolerance, cultural relativism, globalism (I love Obama, don't you?), wokeism, critical race theory, mandated reimbursement for electing gender reassignment, discussing whether you want to be a man or woman beginning in pre-school, removing all statues (Washington must go on anything in this state.), pressing '1' to continue in English, and making our state one big yellow-circle smiley face in the great global village.
“Hey kids, now that I think of it, have you gotten your gender reassignment this year? The state has received an enormous grant from the federal government to buy materials and pay teacher time to allow for this addition to our curriculum. Thankfully, the fund set aside by the feds was even larger, because bad Neanderthal cretin-filled places like Florida refused the money. I worry for those poor Sunshine State kids growing up not knowing their pronoun like I did. You probably get tazered down there where the ex-president lives if you call yourself "they."
“Well, as of now, I'm 'they.' Not only that but I'm canceling, ghosting, and gaslighting (not sure what any of that means, but I want all our state's young people to think I understand them). Oh, I almost forgot, sex education using actual people trained by Master's and Johnson will begin in our public schools this fall. Take that Governor Deivyleague baseball playing red state statue loving confederate flag wavingcancelculturegatorwrestlingredneck who doesn't believe in kids fornicating or at least learning how to by fifth grade!
“Seriously, what a prude, Puritan, sexually repressed, anti-pro choice, misogynist, Victorian, abstinence head you are. I bet when you were in elementary school the other kids circled around and taunted you singing, "Abstinence head better off dead, when you grow up your state will be red" over and over. Well, they didn't do that to me growing up in Minnesota, land of free love and Swedish immigrants (Charles Lindbergh too but we don't talk about him or Joseph Kennedy or Henry Ford or Joseph McCarthy (well, he was from Wisconsin anyway and were not keen on badgers).
“Anyway kids, I don't want our state's future leaders to grow up not having to scratch their heads or anything else they were born with unless they identify with it every time they pinch a loaf or drain the snake, feel me bros' (trying to be the diversity I hope to achieve in our great state). Imagine what your parents, grandparents, and I had to go through and thank your lucky Stars and Stripes you're not going to have to suffer like we did.
“We didn't have the luxury of spending a half hour while we were prairie dogging standing in front of 50 different symbols on bathroom doors figuring out whether we were binary, trans, or translating all the different initials for what our "sexual orientation" from L to plus before we made a hot mess. We just took what we were born with to the bathroom that went with it, and looked around us to find all the other kid who came with the same equipment. Imagine how much that damaged us and how lucky you are.
“No one assigned us our gender. We were forced to be whatever gender popped up or out when we dreamed of Marilyn Monroe or Rock Hudson (Don't tell anyone. I dreamed of both.).
“Back in the day, girls didn't have the opportunity to try to use a urinal or step in all the pee that's always on the floor of those reactionary boy's bathrooms. Why, your dad's and I would have been thrown out of high school for going in the cheerleaders locker room, while now all the high school boys have to say to the Assistant Vice Principal is, 'I identify female or I don't identify anything so it doesn't matter that I'm staring at that hot cheerleader from my World History class while she's showering.'
“Also, kids, think about how unfair it was that the girls' swim team didn't allow that six foot guy with more testosterone than Vesuvius has lava covered with hair even on the bottom of his feet to be considered what he thought himself to be. Just because he had a foot of salami even when he wasn't affected by all those hot swim team girls with the most gorgeous bodies naked when they showered together, doesn't mean he shouldn't help us get to regionals.
“Be fair now, and remember, it not the equipment you're born with, it's the equipment you imagine having (as well as the equipment that will best go with anyone else's equipment that you may be fantasizing about. Remember, that's what makes us a woke blue state! Go Kinsey!
“I know this is a day about our new state motto, bird, and flag, but since I'm planning on running for president, I'm using your time to get my message on all the major news networks--take that Governor Denoprogressiveboneinyour body.
“So remember when you see a leaf blower or an extended middle finger or a slogan on the license plate of that red pick-up behind with a twenty-foot flag flying off its rear, how lucky you are that you're in a blue state. Yes, we have areas with those nasty pick-up trucks and enough 'nationalists' to consume all the barbecue that any Virginia statue razing celebration could serve.
“But here's the difference: our nationalists come in white, brown, and black. That's what makes us a "blue state" and not a bad red state with only one color crazies. We're equal opportunity in our aggressiveness. Now that's being 'woke.'
“So again, lets have a round of applause for our State's finest. They practically outnumber our total population in all their manifestations as sheriffs (yeah, like this is really the Wild West, yippee!), borough, township, and highway patrol, civil defense and our own version of Homeland Security.
“Right, somebody's really sitting in Damascus or Beirut right now hating one of our cities that used to be nice until around 1964 when burning them down got our nation on the path of equality or targeting a place that makes tomato pie because it's an insult to the sacred book as bad as that guy who got attacked during the festival in upstate New York (some name like sal-ami or something) because of to the founder of their faith.
“Does this look like Michigan to you or Yemen on the lake? Personally, I love matzoh ball soup and pastrami (helps with the Jewish vote and I don't think it offends any of their holy books--unless you forget like I did last time I was in a Kosher deli and forgot I had a cheese Danish in my briefcase. Well, it's only resulted in closing the restaurant for the next six months to throw out everything that my Danish might have had contact with, but what do you want?
“I'm originally from Minnesota where we think banana bagels came from Bialystock, Poland, and awesome cheesecake comes from the frozen food department of Walmart).
“So let me close now by thanking you all for being at this legendary bathhouse (oops, I mean rest stop) to formally introduce our new state motto, bird, and flag. Remember at this state historic site that a governor exercised his right to be whatever he thought himself to be and rang his bells and libido the best.
“I want you to know that I will be seeking our nation's highest office, and when I do I'm going to be immediately issuing a new executive order for any potential immigrants to our great land who are certified in leaf blowers to bypass all visa requirements. I will also, as your next president, make orange vests and leaf blowers available to anyone free. Think of me like the CDC mailing out all those masks and test kits.
“Remember that this is a blue-woke-asylum state, be proud of our honored place in the nation. I also invite anyone in our great state to call me personally at any time day or night--just remember to press '1' to continue in English.
“Good night and G-d bless, and G-d bless, Adios, and Via Con everything to blue states everywhere! Tear down that southern wall Mr. Gorbachev!”
