A bi-partisan announcement that previously held positions on social, economic, and international issues will no longer be used in determining whether one is a Republican or a Democrat.
This announcement follows a never before published essay by Alfred E. Newman found tucked in a diary and placed under a chicken house over a brownfield site in central New Jersey.
After carefully testing this treasure trove of political and philosophical insight for traces of dioxin to make sure that it was originally hidden in New Jersey, researchers from the Alfred E. Newman Library and Institute for Political Enlightenment began to reveal its contents.
Based on the findings in this diary, Garden State political scientists have discovered what is now considered the most enlightened approach ever written as to what makes one either a Republican or Democrat.
Wiping one's rear end from back to front stands out among these findings.
Republicans, though they tend not to do this, deny that there can be any ill affects of it.
If there are, those on the right staunchly oppose the government's involvement in regulating this behavior and refute the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's current and future research on the public health effects of such a behavior as well as any treatment the CDC may recommend.
Conservatives reasserted their foundational beliefs on the right of a person to wipe their tushies in the directions they wished without governmental interference.
Additionally, prominent conservatives who have suffered ill effects from this method of post elimination hygiene, have announced that injecting oneself with any commercially available toilet bowl cleaner was effective.
Democrats, who responded to Republican leaders who denounced the administrative state saying, "Government telling us how to wipe our backsides. What's next? Banning sugary drinks?", angrily countered those on the other side of the aisle saying, "People's butts are all part of what makes a village and when all butts of every description, regardless of size, shape, color, and firmness come together we can have world peace (piece?)."
This debate has overwhelmed the nation's capitol, and those trying to prevent it from devolving into a violent confrontation in one of the buildings where the highest branches of government conduct the country's business or a general government takeover itself have called for calm and peaceful negotiations.
One veteran of previous times of dangerous standoffs that threatened to split our nation in two commented:
"We're doing everything we can to bring the two sides to the table, especially those who are still on the toilet. Right now we're beginning to see ominous signs of people replacing white toilet paper with either blue or red. People with red baseball caps with the initials "MAWFA" (Make America Wipe Forward Again) or Blue Ones with "KAWB" (Keep America Wiping Backwards) are calling for a rally on the Washington Mall.
Pentagon officials and experts in international affairs are suggesting that only a conflagration on an international scale where France does not back the United States can resolve this dangerous fracture and bridge the crevice that is ever widening.
One international observer remarked that such a situation would bring Americans together by uniting them as our patriotic spirit soared when we took the "French" out of "fries.”:
“Perhaps in the current situation if we can turn our angry feelings toward the French again, we can all come together and forget about this ridiculous toilet paper directional nonsense.
“How about something that causes us to become one as we have in other crises. Let's say, eliminating bidets from all government buildings."
Leaders on both sides of the wiping controversy agree that our national quilt, made up of so many different peoples and persuasions, can be sewn back together whenever we focus on the French.
Boycotting French bread, French toast, French kissing, French restaurants, all poodles, and eliminating French expressions from our language like "que sera, sera" (which is Spanish, but don’t tell them!) and "joie de vivre" can turn the patchwork quilt into the red, white, and blue.
One observer remarked, "If there's one thing that just gives me chills of love for my country running down my back, it's removing bidets from American bathrooms.
“We didn't win two world wars and save the world from tyranny by squirting our backsides.
“No, we stood our ground, held the line, and did our business!"
Our nation's most prominent physicians have tried to get both sides of this fissure and terrifying crack in the foundation upon which our nation was built to see that, though your butt may have two sides, this is really a bi-gluteal issue.
"Yes, one of our top researchers remarked, my tushy has a right and a left, but the path to our success is through the middle."
At present, this controversy has become a real standoff (or sit off) as protesters descend on our nation's capitol and have sit-ins in state capitols around the country.
Toilet paper shortages have not been this bad since the height of the Covid pandemic as people publicly wipe themselves during massive rallies where police struggle to keep the two sides apart.
Meanwhile, Democrats persist in performing their post-elimination rituals front to back as toilet bowls have popped up by the thousands in our nation's parks, shopping malls, beach fronts, sports stadiums, and highway rest stops. Liberals have made this movement about the responsibility of the government, its scientists, and regulatory agencies to govern our lives in matters affecting public health.
"This is impacting our citizenry like seat belts did," one said, "Administrative state, what nonsense!
"What's next, Republicans wanting to get rid of inspecting tire manufacturers, baby cribs, hedge fund managers, venture capitalists, and shady banks. Look at what happened to airlines after deregulation.
“It's like riding a bus now with flights constantly canceled, overbooked, just missing each other in the air, rude pilots, and flight attendants. Why if I have to listen to one more airline employee tell me at the last minute while I'm awaiting my flight that it's "overbooked" and how lucky I am that today I'm not going anywhere but will receive some gift of cash toward future travel, I'm going to jump on the conveyor belt by Homeland Security.
“And, speaking of Homeland Security, Republicans probably want to dismantle that too as part of the "administrative state," but what would that accomplish?
“Well, for one, we would all be less safe, but more importantly think about all the good things we have as a result of Homeland Security.
“Before all this screening when were you able to so frequently and publicly have someone run their hand up your backside without getting accused of assault, sexual harassment, or soliciting.
“Well now our government ensures our right to have this erotic experience and it's completely legal--not to mention that if you're a voyeur, you can just skip your flight (it's probably going to be canceled anyway) and watch our nation's guardians do this to lots of other people."
So that's the story as of the present. We will keep you informed of anything "breaking" (news, wind, bidets, etc.). At this time a toilet paper shortage is being prepared for, and we are seeing a sharp rise in prices of colored toilet paper (especially red and blue) and baseball hats, of course, with the initials "MAWFA" and "KAWP."
So far, tempers appear to be cooling, though toilet seats are heating up. Fortunately, with so many people around the country having "toilet sit-ins" to protest, gas prices are down.
Let's keep in mind, though, where all this chaos started with people's personal habits now becoming the standard for defining your political affiliation.
Where it will end no one knows.
What personal behaviors will place you in the Republican or Democrat column are up in the air.
Speculation now as to where pornography, bestiality, singing opera in the shower, piano lessons, owning a pickup truck (especially red with a flag attached to the back), painting a flag on your barn, visiting strip clubs (female strippers with names that describe weather conditions probably Republican), tax evasion, banana bagels, wonder bread, ballet, poetry reading, leather, which way you wear you're baseball cap, whether you wear a baseball cap, like New Jersey, use the expression "down the shore," can pronounce "Rosh Hashanah," breast feed, or think you've never heard anything more warm and fuzzy that living on top "brownfields," and the terms civil servant and public service make you think of oxymorons (and morons in general) will firmly place you in the Republican or Democrat column and relieve you of your political identity crisis no one knows.
Stay tuned.
