Archeologists from around the world gathered today near a site in North America where thousands of skeletons were discovered with raised middle fingers.
Though the meaning of this has long been well known in the modern era, these eminent researchers were shocked and amazed to find the bones of early humans in this condition.
Those gathered at the site have been advancing a plethora of hypotheses on this phenomenon as their data gathering on these human remains continues.
Among the findings and theories at this point are the following:
- Were these early humans born with raised middle fingers?
- If so, what evolutionary purpose did this serve?
- Why does the number of skeletons with raised middle fingers seem to be predominantly adults?
- Was its meaning the same as we take it to be now and, if so, does this indicate that ancient adolescents were not so hormonally challenged as in the modern era?
- For all the other skeletons with this ossified, raised middle finger was there some early version of traffic congestion and vehicles (stone wheeled carts pulled by Neanderthals that got too close to the cart in front of them or went too slowly)?
- Could there have been early bumper stickers that inflamed other drivers with sayings like: "If you can read this you have no cerebral cortex. "?
Who knows?!
The excitement continues, though, and this is only heightened by the annual festival this year where millions of North Americans will gather to flip each other off, laugh, drink beer, have unprotected sex, honk their horns, wear their baseball caps backwards, talk about cars, wear jeans that cut off their circulation, and celebrate ungrammatical speech.
There will be awards for longest middle finger, quickest to raise it, loudest shouting while displaying it, and most foulmouthed, creative language used with your middle finger extended while driving around in a circle as close as you can behind other backward baseball cap wearing ungrammatical people who don't believe in mufflers, and constantly honk their horns.
Extra points will be awarded for passing over a double yellow line, keeping your bumper within an inch of the driver in front of you, and tapping your brakes after passing close enough to scrape the paint off the car in front of you just lightly enough to give the driver behind a stroke when your brake light flashes.
In the Wild West competition of this year's Flip Everybody Off Festival, two contestants will face each other from the opposite ends of a street in a town constructed to resemble the early southwest.
They will begin to walk from the center of the town with their backs together until they reach the ends of the street, then turn, and shoot up both middle fingers.
The winner will be awarded a pick - up truck without a muffler, risers to put it about twenty feet higher than any other vehicle, baseball cap that only can be worn backwards, a dog trained to hang its head out the passenger window at all times, and a choice of bumper stickers (either one on a red background that reads, "Salami, had any lately?" or "Honk if you're horny" on an orange background).
There will be featured speakers on how to generate road rage, identify a driver who drives the speed limit and follows the laws, ways to quickly spot someone who has grown up with mass transportation, people who love wine spritzers, opera goers, classical music lovers, people who know what a sonnet and a sonatina are, and those who have never strapped a deer to the hood of their vehicle. Advanced ultra road rage seminars will be offered to selected applicants to teach them how to completely block the car behind you so you can emerge to stimulate maximum trauma.
Food will all be drive through and user friendly for consuming with one hand without utensils. Music will be of maximum abrasiveness and volume meant to be sung along to and with lyrics that either make you really sad or really angry or both while you eat with one hand, drink a can of beer with the other, talk to your dog, intimidate the driver in front of you, and just generally experience the joie de vivre.
However, those using the term "joie de vivre" will be immediately ejected from the festival and be permanently barred from all future events along with those who speak grammatically while drinking wine spritzers.
As always, the festival will end with a massive display of illegal fireworks and the raising of the middle finger by all as a goodbye until next year. Until then may the national bird hover over all while it always remains in the hand and not in the_______ (well you get the idea).
