… to be the best kind of Evil you can be. You’ll have to be, if you wanna join.
(Are they reading this right now? Can I join? I got this ex-boyfriend I … well, I’ve said too much, wink wink, hush hush, I getcha. Is this all about revenge, ultimately?)
Must be able to think of really evil stuff and then fully support it and not tell anyone about it. If you do, you will also agree to “commit suicide” while in a jail anywhere in the world (we can get to you, not to worry).
Your politics does NOT matter. In fact, we’d prefer to have lots of politically affiliated members, that way we can infiltrate them all. Are you a tree-hugging Green Party wacko who reeks of marijuana and patchouli? We want you!
Are you a Mormon Elder who likes porn and young co-eds and is able to hide millions if not billions behind fake companies – oh my god – WE WANT YOU!
Are you able to speak out of both sides of your mouth? Whaddaya mean you only have one mouth – that’s not Illuminati talk! Are you able to say you want love and peace and all good things, and then on the weekend you pour toxic waste into rivers and kick seeing eye dogs and say sexy come-ons to nuns and make homeless people wrestle for half-filled jugs of moonshine?
Get out my dreams and into my car, YOU SEXY BEAST!
So if you’re tired of your useless life and want the eye of Horus tattooed onto your skull and know all the secret signs Hollywood celebrities are giving all the time – in the shoes they wear, the way they cross their legs on a talk show, the way they wink into the camera and call on their lord and master, Baphomet …
Then the Illuminati WANTS YOU!
(If you’re already in Skull & Bones, you get first choice at the aborted fetus buffet! We don’t mean cartoon evil … we mean motherfucking EVIL!!!!)
