Ted Cruz’s Beard is Missing - $10,000 Reward!

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Saturday, 28 January 2023

image for Ted Cruz’s Beard is Missing - $10,000 Reward!
Just a Replacement ... Unless He Likes It

Ted Cruz has lost his beard!

Bartenders, waitresses, hookers, coke dealers and cocoanut salesmen in Cancun have been looking for it everywhere. Where was Ted last seen? Which bars and massage parlors did he frequent? Everyone who lives and works in the Mexican resort town know Ted (or El Commandante Raphael, or El Jefe, as he prefers to be called before giving the big tips) and say he’s a great man who tips large and loves the pretty Mexican girls who sit on his lap as he sips Loco Rum and Pina Coladas.

But where oh where is Teddy’s beard? Did a monkey steal it? Will Ted climb a palm tree to wrestle the monkey, call it Antifa and a Biden supporter, pull out a gun and say its his 2nd Amendment Right to kill Mexican monkeys? There’s no telling what Ted is capable of without his beard.

So, please, if you see Ted’s beard, call 1-800-Chewbacca-Face and, for the love of God, do not approach or speak to the beard. It should be considered armed and dangerous, since that is one of the places where some believe Ted hid one of his many guns. Which was why he clinked when he walked (another story).

PS: There was a typo … it’s not a ten thousand American dollar reward, it’s a ten thousand peso reward, which comes to about $500 … or five overpriced Cancun Pineapple Sparkler Kabooms (which Ted loves!) You know what, Ted’ll buy you a couple drinks if you find it, fuck the money, you ain’t getting any of his kick-back cash – he lied, cheated and stole hard to get that!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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