WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - One of the most arrogantly sarcastic politicians in Washington D.C. is Ted "Dracula" Cruz.
Cruz has been known to scare fourth graders with his evil-sounding space alien voice.
Cloud 9 News Agency reporter Lexi Aspen reports that Cruz is alleged to have molested an inflatable doll while visiting his BFF Josh "Scaredy Cat" Hawley.
Ted, whose real name is Teodorofellio Panchito Juanito Cruz said that the doll is not his, and he believes that the doll, which looks a lot like Sofia Vergara belongs to Josh (Hawley).
Cruz said that the doll's hair is brunette, and everyone in D.C. knows that he prefers blondes, ala Marjorie Taylor Greene.
SIDENOTE: Meanwhile the inflatable doll has been taken to the Washington D.C. police station, where she will be checked for any signs of DNA in her three orifices.