HOUSTON - (Satire News) - Scandal Today writer Cheyenne Patio states that the most arrogant, sarcastic, jerk in politics, Sen Ted Cruz, cryingly told her that contrary to rampant rumors, he did not beat his 17-year-old daughter Morticia Bruja Cruz with one of his red MAGA T-shirts.
"Dracula" Cruz as Donald Trump, Mitch McDonnell, and Anderson Cooper all call him, stated for the record that he does not own a red MAGA T-shirt.
He then pointed out that the reason why an ambulance was called to the Cruz home in the exclusive ritzy Houston neighborhood of Republican Hills is because his daughter "M.B." quasi-over dosed on nine Hostess Twinkies.
It is no secret that Morty, as Melania Trump calls her, has a horrendous food addiction (she is only 5-foot 1, and weighs 209 pounds).
SIDENOTE: This past Thanksgiving Morty was rushed to the emergency room after she OD'd on three pounds of turkey dressing.