BILLINGSGATE POST: “Reports of my death were slightly exaggerated,” explained Jeffrey Epstein, who was sighted coming out of a Palm Beach massage parlor by roving crack reporter, Detrick “Dirty Tricks” Detwiler.
It was Detwiler who was assigned the job of following Epstein after he was carried from his cell after reportedly being found dead by “Sleepy” John Como and “Blinky” Ben Shapiro, personnel assigned to the graveyard shift to monitor Mr. Epstein that night.
It is not uncommon for authorities to falsely report the death of someone like Epstein, who had been thumbing his nose at the law for decades. Anyone who knew Epstein had doubts that he killed himself while a prisoner at the Metropolitan Correctional Center following his July 2019 arrest on charges of sex trafficking involving minors.
Tasked with examining the bagged remains of the corpse carted from the cell, Dr. Viscount Billingsgate, a forensic taxidermist of some note, reported that he was unable to specify the identity of said body due to “unspecified irregularities peculiar to the disposition of bodies under the control of Federal authorities.”
Billingsgate, who earned his spurs by solving the infamous “Jackalope” hoax by determining that the horns on a jackrabbit did not in fact belong to the rabbit, but had been detached from an unsuspecting antelope and attached to the head of the jackrabbit by a madman taxidermist, was unusually taciturn about this case.
“I know nothing.”
Epstein, who had since changed his name to Rex Rialto to throw authorities off his trail, acknowledged to Detwiler that life on the lam was an inconvenience, but that it beats the alternative.
Dr. Slim: “Why do the good die young?”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. How come you be still kicking?”
