A little known Trump family member, Hymie Myron Marian Trump, has just been released from his attic home in a spooky Victorian mansion to reveal … that “the Real” Donald Trump is not!
Hymie reported, “The real Donny was my best friend and half-brother. We’d go fishing and make pretty grass garlands for our hair and totally get naked before jumping in the ole swimming hole! But then the bad man came…”
When asked who the ‘bad man’ was, Hymie became even more shy and scared, but after giving him a couple of mickies to drink, I loosened the bastard up to tell everything he knew.
“He was this red-haired monster in suit and tie (the real Donny had blonde locks of spun gold) who kept saying how great he was in everything, and such a victim – everybody who hated him was bad – but I knew he was the bad one. He said he was gonna become the president – I thought he was crazy and drunk and hopped up on coke like brother Donald – who was created in a chemistry lab from a scraping of skin off the red-haired monster’s ass! I said what did you do with the REAL Donald Trump? He said he had been sent far far away, to an island once owned by Uncle Jeffery, but then had to be moved to an even more secure location once Unkie Jeff got busted. I don’t think I’m ever gonna get my best friend and half-brother back, never ever ever.”
I asked who his mother was, and he said “She was from Armenia. No one knows her. She was once a Miss Universe contestant until the red-haired Beast knocked her up and locked her away. I’ve lived in an attic for most of my life. You don’t even known how many kids he’s got – but he only keeps the ones who give him kisses and say how great he is. Ivanka is his favorite, but she’s had to do terrible things to reach that position. Anyone who says he’s a bad bad man … well, I’m lucky to be alive today. Can I go back to the attic now, this outside world is scary.”
Yes it is, Hymie, yes it is.
Hymie returned to his attic with his stuffed toys and pacifiers … and unending nightmares! And the red-haired monster is still on the loose!
