BILLINGSGATE POST: Those beady eyes that peered back at President Trump from the mirror when he adjusted his albino raccoon hairpiece missed nothing. The gift from Vladimir Putin to Trump was a stealth bomb. If it got into the wrong hands, it could bring down the President. Surreptitious access to everything Trump did or said was now possible.
Legal scholars could argue that one’s hairpiece was sacrosanct; part of the very being of the person wearing it. Is nothing sacred? But Representative Liz Cheney of Wyoming, wanted blood.
“Subpoena that f*cking albino raccoon hairpiece,” hissed Cheney, one of the two Republicans on the committee.
“If we can get that recording, we can nail Trump’s ass to the wall, once and for all.”
It was Slim Everdingle who first spotted the sumbitch.
Slim, the only person the President trusted explicitly, was wearing his classic Fruit-of-the-Loom sleeveless, white tee-shirt and a fresh pair of custom tailored Dickies Short Sleeve Mechanic's Coveralls. Allowing for a generous fit in the shoulders and chest, its bi-swing back and elastic waist inserts offered Slim classic comfort and protection for his clandestine operations.
Whispering to his sidekick, Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler, at the same time throwing a head fake that left the eyeballs of the albino raccoon ricocheting off each other, he grabbed a loose hair of the suspect raccoon and slowly unraveled the 600 foot strand that housed the combination camera and listening device that recorded every word and action emanating from the most powerful man on the face of the Earth.
A tag on the hairpiece: *KGB - Handle With Care.
Dr. Slim: “We gotta keep this a secret. There’s some sh*t on here that could probably be used against the President.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. You ever hear of a raccoon taking the Fifth?”
