God the Gun

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Friday, 10 June 2022

image for God the Gun
Bow to Thy God ... But Make Sure the Safety is On

Fairfax, Virginia: Headquarters of the NRA.

If you had a gun, would you turn it into a god? Can objects be turned into religions?

The NRA was originally created to “advance rifle marksmanship” (Wikipedia), but the NRA has grown beyond its scope to essentially become a religion to many of its followers.

This reporter stood in the pouring sunshine and fair weather to interview NRA members exiting the big yearly meeting.

“Sir, do you think a gun is a god?” was the basic question I asked.

“Hell yeah, dumb gut bargain donut, jeezus Keeerist on zaw hooor!”

He was clearly speaking in tongues, a sure sign of religious mania.

A mother of three (all heavily armed, the youngest 6 years old) answered the question: “I believe in Jesus and America and that Jesus loves little babies and high-powered firearms.”

A youth of 17 years old replied, “I can’t wait til our next president gets us into a really cool war – maybe Ukraine next or Russia or whichever one the prez likes, or don’t like, whatever – so’s I can fire off a few thousand rounds of God!”

A little old lady (adorable as apple pie and fresh gunpowder) said, “If I didn’t have my god or my gun those darkies would break down my door and rape me!”

I stopped talking to her.

One of the administrators of the NRA spoke to this reporter, saying, “We have the right, and no one can take that from us. Kill or be killed – that’s what it should read on the flag or presidential seal. If we don’t kill people from other nations or people from our nation who don’t believe in the divinity of firearms, then they will kill us. Just look at Sweden!”

This reporter recalled when Donald Trump said the same thing, concerning some kind of shooting, I believe, but then Donny was proven to be losing his mind. The Swedes said they didn’t know what he was talking about, nothing bad had happened in Sweden except that the people there became even more beautiful! (Shortly after, Trump was on Air Force One heading to Stockholm.)

So will an American kill for his/her god? Doesn’t every religious person say the same about their god? Should gods be banned? Is there a law saying “I am the Lord They God and Thou shalt have no other gods before me?”

Oh shit, yes, there is. So I guess the American religious fervor over guns can be linked to the Old Testament. Should that book be banned as hate literature, as inspiring terrorism, foreign and domestic? Isn't it in that book that the world gets the wonderful merciful axiom: "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth"? (Ever wonder why Israel and the Middle East are always at war? Hatred always comes from religion.)

Taking away a book isn’t as bad to a Republican as taking away a gun. So there you have it. The answer is yes. Don’t be confused if you see an American on his knees bowing before the barrel of a rifle. He’s just being faithful to his god and country. (Might wanna keep the safety on when praying to any god – they have a habit of going off for no reason. Guns, I mean, not gods ... okay, gods too.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more