A new Biden appointed government commission determined that there was no foul play in President Lincoln's death. The Lincoln Memorial is gong to be converted into a monument to Joe Biden to help erase false memories of "conspiracy theories" regarding Lincoln's demise.
The report released by the commission to TheSpoof.com yesterday proves that Lincoln shot himself in the back of the head. John Wilkes Booth was so upset when he saw it that he jumped out of the balcony and ran screaming from the theater. Due to the confused state after the President's demise, many mistakenly thought that Booth had shot Lincoln.
"It's time to lay these lame conspiracy theories to rest," whispered Biden at today's news conference. He then removed a shoe and pounded on the lectern.
"The Department of Homeland Security will deal with anyone who continues to push these fake stories about a so called 'Lincoln Assassination'. They will be treated as terrorists, investigated, and visited by the FBI, NSA, Secret Service, and BATF", he continued.
Washington D.C. - Diaper News
