The 2020 US Masters is over even before Tiger (as the 2019 champion) could even launch his opening drive to inaugurate the tournament. And yet we have a winner!
Taking time off from threatening the Supreme Court to Stop Counting the illegal votes of 240,000 Americans who have perished to COVID-19, Trump headed to Georgia on the morning of the 12th of November.
White House Secretary Kayleigh McEnemy-of-the-Press confirmed that Trump was in Georgia to personally count all votes in his favour and discard those marked ‘Biden’ as illegal. She said that this ‘mathematical democratic alternative-fact option’ was Executive Privilege and had the full backing of Mitchell McConnell and 90% of the GOP, because they feared their days were ‘numbered’, and smiled unwittingly at the unconscious pun.
In breaking news, 43 seconds later, Ms McEnemy confirmed a White House communique that Trump had trounced Biden by over 2 million votes in Georgia. The GOP was ecstatic as Trump, flushed with gaining 16 electoral college votes, celebrated with a round of golf at the nearby Augusta National Golf Club, hosting the 2020 US Masters Tournament. However, his performance was decidedly off-putting with several ‘Flyer-Lies’ and multiple sod upheavals of the Deep State. In short, it did not match the newly-acquired Master’s Performance of winning Georgia. Yips!
Fox News covered the aftermath as events unfolded. The media at the Golf Club were privy to a seething President calling up Barr None and demanding a quick-fire resolution to the Masters Tournament.
Ever the faithful ear to presidential orders, Barr None despatched a squad of DOJ investigators armed with semi-automatic golf clubs and stun grenade golf balls. For an hour they roamed the pristine golf course in their golf-cart Humvees and arrested all the golfing players, caddies, and tournament staff for complicity in “stealing” TaylorMade-for-Trump balls.
Having cleared the deck of any opposition, Trump anointed himself Champion of the 2020 Masters Open, and forcibly collected a cheque for 2 million dollars from the beleaguered Chairman.
However, he returned the cheque to the Club as a down payment for the ultimate purchase of the Augusta Club. In his victory speech to his ‘captive audience’ of media reporters, TV crews, players, club staff, and Barr None DOJ personnel, Trump thanked them for their willing co-operation, and stressed his obsession with collecting Golfing Clubs.
Trump also returned the winner’s Green Jacket for substantial altering, as it popped a few buttons around his midriff.