Mars rover Redhead solved the greatest mystery on the planet when it unearthed the remains of former Teamster boss Jimmy Hoffa from underneath a rock on the planet Mars. The remains were in extremely good condition due to the Martian atmosphere being saturated with large quantities of McDonalds’s Happy Meals.
How Hoffa’s body ended up on the planet Mars is anybody’s guess, although some scientists have theorized Hoffa arrived on Mars when he became a stow away on the Apollo 44 ½ which landed on Mars instead of the moon by mistake.
As far as how he ended up under a big rock, theorists are not too sure, although some have put forth the hypothesis that it could have been by the religious cult of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
When interviewed by the Washington Flying Spaghetti Monster spokesman Danny Pasta proclaimed: “The Flying Spaghetti Monster has been going to Mars for millions of years and has regularly brought some of his worshipers along with him. As a matter of fact the Monster is a real estate magnate that owns several planets in our solar system as well as the black hole Madonna and is in the process of purchasing the planet of Xi Jing Ping Pong in the galaxy of Soggy Noodles”.
When asked about the discovery President Joe Biden told everyone that he knew that all along where Jimmy Hoffa was because he vacations on Mars there at least twice a year.
“I knew Jimmy Hoffa really well”, started Biden. “We both played for the Pittsburg Steelers back in the 70’s. Jimmy was a tight end and I was the quarterback. Jimmy always had trouble holding onto the ball. I always bailed him out with my scrambling abilities, Jimmy wasn’t a very good at tight end”.
When confronted over where his remains may go the United States Hysterical Society claimed that Hoffa’s body was a piece of history and should be given to them.
As of press time an Uber driver was hired to drive Hoffa’s body back to Earth.
