Commander Smuckmeister Joins Special Ops Group And Goes To Kabul

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Friday, 27 August 2021

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BILLINGSGATE POST: When Elmer Smuckmeister retired from the Navy SEALS in 1989 and returned to Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, to raise hogs on the family farm, even his close friends had no idea that he was a living legend. Having spent nearly six years in Vietnam leading SEAL Teams on their secret missions, he was known as the “White Mamba” by the Vietcong, who feared him like the plague.

Through his connections, he heard that a group of American war veterans were going to Kabul on a secret mission to save hundreds of Afghan Special Forces troops and their families who helped them in the war but have now been left for dead by President Biden as the US withdraws from Afghanistan.

Although now over 80 years old, Smuckmeister still blackens his face and carries a SOG SEAL TEAM ELITE Survival Knife when he visits his local pub in Beaver Crossing. Fearing that he might be followed home by one or more elderly screen scratchers, he would sneak out of the bar and take different routes home to avoid them.

Having not seen action for over three decades, he was excited to join with the special op soldiers that included retired Green Berets and SEAL Team commanders who launched the mission after hearing one of the Afghan commandos they served with contacted them to say he was on the run from the Taliban. His visa had not been approved when the Taliban took over on August 14 and thousands ran for the airport.

After secretly flying into Kabul, Smuckmeister and the special ops soldiers first devised a system with US troops at the airport where they sent their comrades to a gate and told them to identify themselves with the password 'pineapple' to be put on a plane by the Marines on the ground.

After successfully getting hundreds through that way, the special ops teams started going into Kabul, behind enemy lines, to rescue more of their comrades and their families in the cover of darkness.

It's unclear how long they have been in Afghanistan and how they got there, but some of those involved explained they simply could not leave their comrades behind. They are but one of several ad-hoc volunteer groups on the ground that are frantically trying to save people before time runs out.

Glossary: Screen Scratcher: A highly sexed cougar who follows an unsuspecting inebriated male home and scratches on his bedroom screen, asking him to let her in.

Dr. Slim: “I have known Elmer for years; never had an inkling that he was a SEAL.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Then you might be surprised to hear that I was in the French Foreign Legion.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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