Congresswoman Cori Bush Continues To Beef Up Her Personal Security Detail

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Sunday, 8 August 2021

image for Congresswoman Cori Bush Continues To Beef Up Her Personal Security Detail
I think this building is full of brain eating bateria.

Squad member Loquacious and quick-witted congresswoman, Cori Bush, has announced to the world that she will be beefing up her private security detail which she is currently spending over $375,000 for. The defund the police and empty all the prisons activist has apparently surmised that her current security is not acceptable.

When asked by a reporter how she can promote the movement to defund the police and empty all the prisons which will leave her constituents at the mercy of rapist, murderers and thugs she simply responded:

“I have to stay alive, my constituents do not. I have to have full protection for myself because I’m the one changing the world. I am the one defeating white supremacy. I’m the one saving lives. My constituents need to suck it up and know their place is to sacrifice on my behalf. We, also, need to defund the police and abolish all prisons. Nobody will be held accountable for committing a crime because there will be no crime. I am going to abolish the judicial system too. All police officers will be replaced with social workers”.

When another reporter asked her how she was going to bolster her security detail she responded:

“I am in talks with the Taliban who are having a half price sale on shoulder rocket launchers and roadside bombs. The Taliban acquired the munitions from the retreating Afghan army. Well, the rockets launchers at least. We have, also, secured a light tank from the US army. They are overstocked with tanks and are having a fire sale to get rid of some of them. So now if anyone attacks me, looks like they are going to attack me or just flat out disagree with me, my security detail will launch a rocket at them and afterwards the light tank will run over them to make sure they are dead”.

When fellow squad member AOC was asked if the security detail upgrade was too much she replied:

“Every squad member needs a well funded security detail, otherwise how are we going to end global warming and provide every household with free doughnuts every month”.

As of press time a poll determined that all of Cori Bush’s constituents all had an IQ of a rubber duck.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more