Casino will offer direct pay flat fee option to premium customers

Funny story written by Earthvessel

Tuesday, 13 July 2021

image for Casino will offer direct pay flat fee option to premium customers
PKDP member Degenerato looks for his star-key

Mel Stacksmiller, VP of New Business for the Darkstar Casino Group today announced a list of new “Elite Membership” packages to be made available in September at all their casinos.

One of the most unique offerings is the top-of-the-line Platinum Key Direct Pay (PKDP) package.

All PKDP members will receive a platinum star-key for their lapel, monthly dinners and tickets to sporting events for their entire family. In exchange, members pay a recurring monthly flat fee of $10,000.

Stacksmiller explains, “we know many of our high rollers are exhausted by their long hours at the tables, and we’ve also heard from quite a few angry wives and girlfriends. The PKDP membership solves all such problems. Those customers will find they now have all sorts of time for family and other recreational activities. Of course, we sweeten the pot by providing them with complimentary dinners at five-star restaurants along with the best available tickets to major sporting events!”

Stacksmiller then went on to talk about the other key benefit to PKDP membership: “Even the best of us get in over our heads from time to time, but as a PKDP member you know exactly what you’re paying every month, so you set your budget accordingly!”

The program is currently in the pilot test phase with only one PKDP membership belonging to longstanding member Johnny Degenerato. Mr Degenrato was spotted yesterday, sitting on the curb outside the Darkstar Casino in Providence, RI. He was locked in to his cell phone and when approached he refused to comment. A casino security guard approached Degenrato, but backed off after being shown the member's star-key that is issued with PKDP membership.

According to early reports, sales for the premium membership are stagnant, but officials are hopeful things will pick up “once the word gets out there”.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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