The Pandemic Throws Us Another Ordeal - WE"RE RUNNING OUT OF KETCHUP!

Funny story written by rfreed

Friday, 9 April 2021

image for The Pandemic Throws Us Another Ordeal - WE"RE RUNNING OUT OF KETCHUP!
Organic ketchup? Damned hippies!

he news from NPR crawled out of the radio, into my ear and embedded it’s teeth into my nervous system. THERE IS NOW A SHORTAGE OF KETCHUP IN AMERICA!!!

HOW CAN WE BE EXPECTED TO LIVE LIKE THIS???

Will the mercilessness of this pandemic never end? How can we go on? It is just one crisis after another. First a creeping, malingering, sneaky virus takes hold of the whole world including US! ( we Americans shouldn’t have to endure such things just by the virtue of being Americans!) Then a run on toilet paper and other essentials. Restaurants closed, sports games folded, businesses were no longer busy and shortly thereafter were no longer businesses at all.

Then we still had Trump for a President. For a while there was hope because he got COVID, but God in His great humorous way of doing things let him get better. Meanwhile we got worse. Thank that same God though that we aren’t Brazil and that Bolsonaro, their President who was actually cloned from Trump, is letting the virus run around as freely as it likes too.

And now there is not enough ketchup. Just how much, may I ask, are we Americans supposed to suffer? Ketchup is as American as the blood in our system. How are we supposed to do without the only condiment that we as a nation ever offer to world cuisine? Even though they didn’t want it?

I am surprised that Mr. ‘Super American’ Trump-boy didn’t get his panties in a bunch over it and start saying it was all liberal plot to make America lesser again and have his chorus of Majorie Taylor Greene and other Queer-ANON followers and the Proud Boys and the other crew-cutted dim bulbs join in on lamenting it. I am sure they could have come up with a dandy conspiracies theory saying that we secretly sent it all to North Korea so that the peasants there would at least have that to eat (Strict rations! Only four packets a day to each per family member!).

What am I going to do without my beloved ketchup? How can I or any other citizen get most of the fast food we eat down our throats without first greasing it with that most wonderful of tomato products? How are we supposed to play Cowboys and Native Americans without fake bullet wounds emitting reddish ketchup? How are we to make cheap pizzas without that substitute for tomato sauce that is half the price?

I look down at my plant based, mushroom and soya infused burger meant to look and taste like a regular hamburger but without all the veins and stuff (and meat) and it looks naked. It seems so lost, alone and so vulnerable without its coating of red, sugary tomato syrup. And so bland, but to tell the truth even the ketchup wouldn’t help that.

Life is hard. No one ever said things would be easy when we were born into this world.

At least we still have beer.

At least for now…….

See what happens when THAT runs out!!!

(Please note that I used a photo of a lesser known, but more organic and natural ketchup brand. Heinz already has the lion’s share of the ketchup market and I want to give the smaller guys a chance. Plus they are the ones not keeping up with demand and creating this suffering!)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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