Grand Rapids, Michigan man, Jerry Trigger, has been arrested and charged with 30 counts of first degree murder for shooting up a church. The Church, of the Hawaiian Flying Spaghetti Monster, has been devastated by this event because the 30 members of the church who were shot were well liked.
“He couldn’t have shot the 30 people who none of us liked, could he?” asked Reverend Parmesan. He should have contacted us before the shooting, and we would happily have given him a list of people to shoot who we don’t like.” This is a damn shame.”
Trigger had a standoff with police after the shooting, where he held seven church members hostage. After 2 hours, Trigger agreed to surrender if they gave him a happy meal. The police complied and Trigger went into custody without incident.
The Church of the Hawaiian Spaghetti Monster is an offshoot of the Church of the Spaghetti Monster. Like its parent church, the congregation all wore colanders on the top of their heads to protect them from the spaghetti monster, which, according to the Center of Disease Control, only works when you are wearing a mask and are social-distancing. The unique characteristic of this church is that all of the members wear Hawaiian shirts.
Apparently, during interrogation with Trigger, police discovered the motive of his shooting spree was due to his hatred of Hawaiian shirts.
“He got his hatred of Hawaiian shirts when he was a teenager,” stated police chief Oversight. “His family was vacationing in Hawaii, when a giant pineapple wearing a Hawaiian shirt hit him on the head with a rotten herring.
“It was the Hawaiian shirt on the giant pineapple,” stated Oversight. “Had the giant pineapple been wearing an Izod shirt, it would have been OK.”
As of press time, Trigger’s lawyer gave a press conference stating that hits spree happened because, shortly after entering the church, Trigger had a stroke while his finger was on the trigger of the gun, which explains the shooting.