QAnon Revealed!

Funny story written by StubbornGorilla

Wednesday, 28 October 2020

image for QAnon Revealed!
"All we were trying to do is solidify our base, not start some crackpot cult."

QAnon, the popular far right conspiracy cult, has been revealed to actually be a reverse I.Q. test created by the government. Originally designed to see what level of ridiculousness conservatives could get their base to subscribe to, the increasingly popular line of reasoning exposed a terrifying level of stupidity which triggered the change of focus.

QAnon was packaged and given a name once it was decided that it might be necessary to see just how selectively intelligent the far right had become. A list of incrementally more outlandish claims were created, and then disseminated through all of the standard portals used by "Q" (which was incidentally named after the James Bond character that worked for the nonexistent research and development branch of the British Secret Service who gave Bond progressively more and more ridiculous devices to use in his spy work) to see how many, and how deeply, followers would buy into them.

"We tried to make them progressively more ridiculous as we went on," an unnamed government source explained. "That was pretty difficult to do, since we led with 'Donald Trump is here to rescue you', but we were able to come up with some pretty outlandish stuff, and a lot of people seem to have bought into it."

It was also revealed that the full name is actually an acronym with A.n.o.n. each representing the level on this scale that measures reverse intelligence. The breakdown is as follows:

A. - Asinine - The highest level of intelligence that you can maintain while still subscribing to the initial tenets of the theory. Basically, if you believe that Donald Trump is doing anything in your best interests, you fall into this category. These people tended not to think that Tom Hanks was in control of any worldwide pedophile ring, but they still didn't like Joe vs. the Volcano, which does suggest some level of judgement.

n. - not smart - These are the people that do believe in the general concept that Hollywood is working with liberal government agents to launch a hostile takeover of the government. These individuals tend to believe that Tom Hanks is somehow involved, but they forgive him because they like Forrest Gump. Watching it makes them feel smarter.

o. - oblivious - This group was all in on the entire conspiracy theory, including all of the predictions that have not come to pass. They have been labeled "Clydesdales", for their apparent ability to move through life with blinders on that shield them from all potentially ego-threatening information reality provides. These people hate Tom Hanks because of his role in the Da Vinci Code, which celebrates a much more liberal conspiracy theory. They also tended to like the movie in spite of themselves, because of the inability to discern the difference between garbage from quality stimuli.

n. - nuts - The lowest level of selective intelligence a person could reach. These are the people that shoot up pizza joints, believe in baby-eating lizard people, and actively pursue the fake outcomes pushed by the zaniest aspects of the theory. These people love Tom Hanks for his representation of Mr. Rogers in A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, showing a complete skewing of reality as they perceive it.

"The early results of the test have been troubling," the anonymous source stated. "We've had way more tests with ratings of "o" and even "n2 (the second n)" than we anticipated.

The department responsible for creating the initial conspiracy theory has shown second thoughts about continuing the project, but are not sure how to end it. "At this point, there are too many nutsos that really buy into this crap, and we aren't sure how to tell them it's fake without starting a second civil war, so we might just have to coast along and hope that this thing peters out."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more