Capitol Hill Rioter Claims He Was Contacted Personally By President Trump

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 11 January 2021

image for Capitol Hill Rioter Claims He Was Contacted Personally By President Trump
Dummkopf regretting his actions earlier

A protester who took part in last Wednesday's Capitol Hill riot, says he only became involved in the incident because he was contacted 24 hours before the event by President Donald Trump.

Brian Dummkopf, a resident of Washington, claims that, at 2:30pm Tuesday afternoon, he received a phone call from a number he did not know, but, once he had answered, he recognised the unmistakeable tone of the President.

Said Dummkopf:

"I knew it was President Trump. He told me that I should listen very carefully, and that he knew I was a loyal Trump supporter. He said that he loved me, and that there was something I needed to do for him."

Mr. Dummkopf went on to explain that Trump told him about the next day's planned storming of Capitol Hill, and that he had an important part to play.

He said:

"The President told me how to get to the office of Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and gave me explicit instructions about what to do when I got there."

Mr. Dummkopf was asked for specifics. He looked sheepish, but was persuaded by the introduction of three $10 bills. He said:

"Well, I guess it's OK. He told me to take a crap on her desk, and smear it in with some paper to make it real messy. He also asked me to piss all over the carpet, but I thought that was taking things a bit too far."

Mr. Dummkopf was identified from internet images, and has been fired by his company, ACME Toilet Brushes, Inc.

President Trump denies ever having spoken to an American.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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