BILLINGSGATE POST: Funky Home Meds, a wholly-owned subsidiary of The Funky Corporation, announced today that the FDA has approved their savory salve ointment that they claim will make chapped lips a thing of the past.
Freida Funk, heir apparent to the Funk family fortune, but no relation to professional golfer, Fred Funk, was the one who made this happen. Freida, whose chicken lips were once favorably compared to the beak of the late Foghorn Leghorn, discovered this remedy quite by accident.
After suffering since puberty with the affliction known medically as cheilitis, Frieda had a fortuitous accident that changed her life forever. While visiting the Funk family farm, she tripped over a 400-pound sow and landed face down in a glob of chicken manure.
Picking herself up, she noticed that she had not licked her lips lately, and that her bad case of cheilitis seemed better. Putting two and two together, she understood the significance of her discovery. On every package, you will see the slogan:
“Chicken shit may not cure chapped lips, but it sure keeps you from lickin' 'em.”
Slim: “The simplicity of it makes science seem simple. Also, nice use of alliteration.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I’m calling my stockbroker today. Sell Tesla and buy chicken shit.”