Burger King Abdicates to Carl’s Jr.

Funny story written by Kilroy

Wednesday, 18 November 2020

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The Gastro Gazette- (Satire News)--Wikileaks uncovered details concerning a previously unknown sex tape between the Burger King and Ruby Tuesday Thursday, forcing the Burger King to abdicate his burger empire to Carl’s Jr.

“It is with great regret that the Burger King agrees to step down in light of recent events,” said a spokesman for the mute King standing behind him. According to persons close to the King, it was his wish to consolidate the burger sector under the benevolent rule of Carl’s Jr., rather than the “evil clown who shall remain unnamed.”

It is common knowledge within the fast food industry, that bad blood between The Clown and The King is more poisonous than their respective special sauces, making reconciliation virtually impossible. Other contenders to the throne were less than pleased with the announcement, and anticipate Carl’s Jr’s reign to be “messy at best.”

Bob’s Big Boy had choice words for being passed over, remarking, “The King? Who died and made him Elvis? I’m standing here holding a big burger with more experience than all of these clowns, and I wasn’t even considered? It makes me want to throw my damned burger on the ground and spit on it! Then I realize that’s just business as usual, and get depressed,” said Bob’s Big Boy, who, after all these decades, still despises being called “Boy”.

The Burger King’s ex-wife, The Dairy Queen, blamed the entire debacle on the King’s perpetual indiscretion with his Whooper. “Sure, he’ll let you have it your way…but it’s still HIS Whooper,” said The Queen.

A spokesman for Wendy’s concurred with The Dairy Queen’s assessment, citing numerous incidents where Wendy awoke to discover the King in her bed. However, to his credit, at least he brought breakfast.

Other fast food sectors with a history of cooperation and, occasionally, even space-sharing, were less concerned with the change of burger power.

“Everything runs its course. Ask not for whom the Taco Bell tolls, it tolls for thee…and usually within a couple of hours,” mused The Colonel, pointing out a patron rushing to the restroom. “I guess it’s tolling for him now, ‘cause he’s really running for the border,” he cackled. "Eat more chicken, sucker!" he yelled after the unfortunate man, before being slapped with a lawsuit from Chick-fil-A.

And in military news, Long John Silver was even less interested in the burger empire’s potential collapse than his friendly rivalry with Captain D, regarding who could over-batter the most fish bait. “It’s a point of profit, not pride,” said Long John, as he slowly sank into the sea of defunct fast food franchises along with his shipmate.

"Looks like it's Davy Jones' Locker for me," he lamented, as he pondered aloud, "but how in the hell is Jack in the Box still afloat?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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