Drug makers , Smit, Krime and Velcome report that their new anti-anxiety drug Loffonza had some "unexpected" side effects.
"Both candidates agreed to be part of our double blind study for the treatment of stage fright and anxiety. We had no idea that both men received the drug."
After a short break or "cat nap" Trump was heard to say that he had woken up with a four-hour election.
Biden on the other hand was mumbling "get her off of me."
Dr. Von Glisten, a consultant for the firm, stated that it was a condition known as Multiple Personality Dyslexia.
"Candidate Biden's memory was triggered by the word "cat." He recalled later that he was dreaming about his cat, Floppie."
"She was trying to sit on my lap while I was writing my acceptance speech."
"President Trump stated that all he could remember was "something that might have been or could possibly have been, about color, but not really."
"It could have been blue or purple. They all know that I am going to win, so this interview is useless and so are you, frankly. It's all fake news. You know it, I know it, EVERYBODY knows it."
Mrs. Trump's comments post-debate were even more confusing...
"The people are seeing a part of my husband that I see every day."
"We can only conclude that the drug affected each person differently."
When asked for any further comment, all the above stated parties were "unavailable".
"Party, what party? Who said anything about a party?"