Top 10 Reasons to Reelect President Trump

Funny story written by Red Barnes

Tuesday, 27 October 2020

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Here are the top 10 reasons for patriotic Americans to reelect President Donald J. Trump.

But don’t worry if you can’t make it to the polls on election day. It might not matter at the end of that day.

If, by some unimaginable fluke, President Trump does not win reelection, rest assured that he’ll pull every lever of power he can find in order to continue hanging his little red MAGA hat in the Oval Office for the next four to eight years or longer.

Everyone can understand him

President Trump speaks in a way that everyone, especially second-graders and supreme white people, can understand.

The simple statements and random sentence fragments he intones in his out-loud voice cut straight to the heart of what real Americans long to hear from a strong leader.

And we can almost clap along to his snappy riffs on everything from Kung Flu to energy-efficient toilets.

He never talks over our heads with articulate, insightful observations that are useless to everyone but over-educated socialist elites. Instead, he speaks directly to our deepest fears, anger and identity needs with shorthand codes and dog whistles.

He even coins his own words like the oft repeated covfefe.

And many of his pronouncements are so great that they bear repeating two or three times in a row.

Plus, he has a superlative vocabulary. It is literally bursting with superlatives such as amazing, best, fantastic, greatest, incredible, terrific, and tremendous, making him the most unbelievable bully pulpit orator of all time.

9. He entertains us

One huge bonus is that Donald Trump is a twofer: The world’s greatest leader (as he himself will admit) combined with the world’s greatest entertainer. What we have in our president is P.T. Barnum goes to Washington.

How bored would we be without his dozens if not hundreds of daily tweets? What would we talk about? How would we even know what to think?

But his tweets are just an amuse bouche. The real red meat is how he keeps the news cycle buzzing with daily surprises. There’s never a dull moment except when he takes a well-earned break at one of his myriad golf courses.

In one October week, he put on a rock ‘em sock ‘em debate performance, bravely volunteered to do first-hand research into COVID-19, and staged an Evita-like return from the hospital with a salute from the White House balcony.

His made-for-TV rallies are more rousing than a big tent revival. All are replete with the bestowing of catchy nicknames like Little Rocket Man; funny impressions of disabled reporters or FBI agents having sex; and mesmerizing tiny hand ballets that confirm our country is in unprecedented presidential hands.

In a repertoire estimated to include more than 70 hand gestures, some of his most captivating are the Accordion, Claw, and Fist Pump.

But perhaps most endearing to his fiercest supporters is the OK sign, with three outstretched fingers forming a W for “white” and thumb and index finger forming the circle of a P for “power”.

Mr. Trump not only keeps America on the edge of its seat, he can even work the world’s toughest rooms. He got a big laugh in 2018 when he told the United Nations General Assembly that his administration had done more than almost any other in U.S. history.

8. He put Americans to work

One of Donald Trump’s most alluring campaign promises was to be the “greatest jobs president that God ever created”.

By his modest estimate, we could count on him to add 25 million jobs to American payrolls in the next decade.

And he has put a sizable dent in that 25 million primarily by creating and recreating hundreds of jobs in his own administration.

The talent for saying “You’re fired!” he developed on The Apprentice has proven to be a highly transferrable skill for his stint in the White House.

By keeping the White House door revolving (and sometimes spinning), he has cleared the way for record numbers of people to try their hand (and luck) at being Chief of Staff, National Security Advisor, Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense, FBI Director, Director of Communications, Press Secretary, and on and on.

Each position can be multiplied by a factor of three, four, or even five to calculate his A Team job creation rate.

The only positions with a disappointingly low creation rate are two senior adviser jobs. His daughter and son-in-law have a lock on those.

7. He’s been our beacon of light in the dark pandemic

President Trump has talked us through the pandemic like the intrepid shepherd he is. Commenting on his resolute leadership, he proclaimed in March, “My administration has also taken the most aggressive action in modern history to protect Americans from the coronavirus.”

Part of this aggressive action is the President’s brilliant strategy to develop herd immunity by becoming a super-spreader himself.

To keep up our spirits in these dark times, he has offered Churchillian inspiration, reassuring us that the COVID-19 virus is “…going to disappear. One day — it’s like a miracle — it will disappear.”

And this fall, he comforted us by frequently observing that the nation was rounding the corner or had already turned the corner. Apparently, the nation has done both multiple times.

Perhaps one of the President’s most astonishing efforts on our behalf was to offer helpful suggestions for treating COVID-19. Not many presidents have served the country in a medical capacity.

One suggestion was to inject virus patients with a disinfectant such as bleach or isopropyl alcohol. President Trump asked, “And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning? Because you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs.”

Another suggestion was to use hydroxychloroquine. He said the drug had “a real chance to be one of the biggest game changers in the history of medicine”. Although it has not been approved by the FDA for treatment of COVID-19 and might cause abnormalities in heart rhythm, the President advised Americans, “What do you have to lose? Take it.”

His boldest moves have been aimed at getting the U.S. up and running again. His call to open up the country whether or not this was safe has kept the economy from screeching to a halt. And Operation Warp Speed, motivated by his wish to have a vaccine ready before Election Day, will ensure a vaccine is available soon, whether or not it's approved by the FDA, and whether or not it works.

6. He’s our man for law and order

Not only does President Trump loudly crusade for law and order, he is a law unto himself.

His transcendent ability to rise above pesky checks and balances, constitutional provisions, the emoluments clause, campaign finance laws, collusion charges, agreements with CBS, and so on, frees him to follow the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do model of authority.

This is literally unimpeachable and allows him to charge opponents with misusing the same practices (such as unmasking) his own administration employs.

It’s not surprising that Donald Trump is so good at law and order given he has plenty of experience with the law. Even before becoming president, he was involved in more than 3,500 lawsuits, including those against his fine institutions: Trump University and the charitable Donald J. Trump Foundation (its largest gift generously going to restore a fountain outside one of his hotels).

Since becoming President, he has demonstrated his law-and-order savvy by using pardons, clemency, and commutation as rehab tools for cronies inconvenienced by legal aggravations.

He has also put the Justice Department to good use, leveraging the Attorney General’s worship of executive power to employ him as a minion who ensures the law is on Trump’s side and a thorn in the side of crooked opponents.

His clarion Tweets have guided very fine people and militias to stand up to thugs protesting for social justice, and to rogue governors imposing stay-at-home pandemic orders.

And his peaceful protest rallies have modeled the right way to protest without burning down cities or destroying suburban America, just sharing a little COVID-19.

Trump’s shining moment as our law and order president came when protesters were gassed to clear his way for a photo op at St. John's Episcopal Church. This gave him a chance to show he knows how to wield a Bible in his war to bring peace to the streets.

If protests have become violent under Trump’s watch, it’s not his fault. He did his best to help mayors and governors quell protests by sending Federal agents to cities such Portland, Seattle, and Chicago.

Just think what he could accomplish during a second and third term if he had a chance to invoke the Insurrection Act of 1807 and deploy the United States Military on our own soil.

Let’s boogaloo.

5. He’s an economic whiz

As a success in both the business world and Oval Office, President Trump proudly takes credit for what he asserts is the “the greatest economy in the history of the world”.

However, many on the disgruntled left grumble that it was inheritance that paved the way for his success in both arenas.

These whiners argue he inherited a strong economy that had recovered from the Great Recession.

But the president trumps that argument by saying he inherited a “disaster” from President Obama and it was Trump who did the cleanup and “accomplished an economic turnaround of historic proportions”.

And where the whiners maintain the foundation of Mr. Trump’s business success was an inheritance to the tune of $413 million plus multiple trust funds and millions in loans from his siblings, he insists he is, "the most successful person ever to run for the presidency, by far. Nobody's ever been more successful than me.”

And he has a point: How many billionaires could weather six corporate bankruptcies and still land on the Forbes 400 list? That takes a special kind of financial genius.

He put that genius to work to save us lots of money by pulling out of non-essential entities such as the World Health Organization, UN Human Rights Council, and UNESCO. He also cut corners by withdrawing American forces from hot spots in the Middle East. Imagine how much he could save us during a second term by pulling out of NATO and scrapping Social Security and Medicare?

And imagine what he could do for the economy if given a chance to reform the tax system in his own image. We could all benefit by paying little to no federal income taxes, taking $70,000 deductions for hairstyling, and receiving $72.9 million tax refunds.

As a thank you to Mr. Trump, we need to ensure that when his hundreds of millions in loans come due over the next four years, he has a solid dependable job like the U.S. Presidency.

4. He is the smartest person in every room

One of the great gifts Donald Trump has bestowed upon the nation is his exceptional, one might say miraculous, level of expertise in everything.

His knowledge is exhaustive maybe even exhausting. You can believe him when he says he knows more than any human being on earth in the history of the world about the U.S. government, the visa system, borders, trade, taxes, the economy (more than the Federal Reserve), debt (“I’m the king of debt”), infrastructure, the climate, renewable energy, technology, plane aeronautics, self-driving cars, ISIS (more than the generals), and Sen. Corey Booker (more than “he knows about himself”).

With so much personal expertise at his disposal, President Trump has been able to guide the country in a singular way without using experts as a crutch, as so many previous Presidents have.

He goes with his own gut-based hunches rather than expert fact-based analysis because, as he explained during his 2016 campaign, “The experts are terrible. Look at the mess we’re in with all these experts that we have.”

Throughout his time in office, President Trump has showered us with thousands upon thousands of the facts that flow from his prodigious expertise.

This has made him the most fact checked president in modern history. Fortunately, in his own mind, he is never wrong.

Some of the major lessons of the Trump presidency are that facts are flexible and truth is overrated. Both are elite concepts, the hobgoblins of liberal minds that get in the way of fulfilling an agenda that only a political visionary like Trump can envision.

A corollary lesson from the Trump years is that most news (except Fox) is fake and cannot be relied upon. And so, he offers himself as our most reliable source of information.

The American people will be missing out if we no longer have President Trump’s massive knowledge base as the nation’s knowledge base.

3. He kept America safe

Under President Trump’s watch, America has been safer than ever from Muslim “terrorists” and Mexican “criminals”. And miraculously, to date he has avoided nuclear Armageddon with North Korea, Iran, and/or Russia.

To keep us safe, Mr. Trump has dedicated himself to creating what he portrays as “a fair, modern, and lawful system of immigration for the United States”.

Key goals for this system have been the Muslim ban, the asylum ban, making immigrants “remain in Mexico” while they wait for the U.S. to process their claims, cracking down on illegal immigrants with ICE raids, and deterring illegal immigrants altogether by separating children from parents and placing them in pens where First Lady Melania Trump assures us “they are taken care of nicely”.

The center piece of President Trump’s fair and modern system is a wall on our southern border.

During campaign rallies, Mr. Trump promised, "I would build a great wall, and no one builds walls better than me, believe me, and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great wall and I'll have Mexico pay for that wall."

He tantalized us with a vision of concrete that would cover 1,000 miles of our 1,900-mile border with Mexico.

And he kept his promise. So far, an estimated nine miles of new wall have been built, 295 miles of existing barriers have been repaired, and 27 miles of secondary barriers have been added.

President Trump considers this effort to be one of his greatest accomplishments. And at recent rallies, he has revealed that Mexico is indeed paying for the wall. As he noted at a rally in Sanford, Florida, "And by the way, Mexico is paying. They hate to say it: Mexico is paying for it."

Some spoilsports have observed there are cheaper, more effective methods of securing the border than a wall. One solution consists of surveillance towers mounted on Ford pickups that can zoom in on targets miles away via remote operation.

Where the border wall is now approaching $25 million a mile, the mobile towers are less than $1 million each. But nothing says “Keep Out!” like a monster macho wall.

2. He put America first

As a wanna-be strongman and unapologetic nationalist, President Trump has made it his mission to put America and Trump properties first, then Israel second, Saudi Arabia third, and so on down the line.

It’s all about him and often us, too. This is Trump country.

The gloves were off from day one. No more Mr. Nice Guy, no more being ripped off by China, no more being taken advantage of by allies. They must now ante up for pet projects such as NATO.

To protect American interests, Mr. Trump takes a one-sided, unilateral view--his.

Multi-lateral organizations, treaties, and trade agreements that sap our leverage are now off the table.

He likes to thumb our collective nose at the World Trade Organization and pulled us out of the World Health Organization. He also pulled us out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, Paris Climate Accord, and Iran nuclear deal—agreements he said were so bad that it's a shame no one realized it before he came along.

Major feathers in Trump’s MAGA cap are the improved North American Free Trade Agreement he negotiated and a barrage of tariffs aimed at reducing the trade deficit. Although this is now bigger than ever, Mr. Trump believes he could reduce it with even more tariffs in a second term.

And although tariffs have not been a boon to U.S. farmers, Mr. Trump has compensated them with billions in government welfare. This, he maintains, is being paid for by China.

Many countries are helping put America first by putting the Trump Organization first. Since President Trump took office, representatives of at least 22 foreign governments have spent money at properties owned by the Trump Organization. And G-7 countries were even willing to hold their annual summit at Trump’s Doral golf resort in Florida.

As President Trump pivots away from historic but greedy allies, some of his new besties are leaders he’d like to emulate, including Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping (who both can nix term limits) and Recep Tayyip Erdoğan (who won a referendum that gives him almost absolute powers in Turkey).

It behooves us to reelect President Trump so that he can get one step closer to enjoying the same perks.

1. He made America great again

It was a simple, perhaps simple-minded but persuasive proposition: Make America great again.

And if he hadn’t been so rudely interrupted by the plague, President Trump would by now have remade America into the kind of prosperous, coal-fired, white-picket-fence heaven it was in the Golden Age from 1950 to 1970.

He was almost there at the beginning of this year. And up until then, considering he had no prior elective or military leadership experience, he’d done a mind-boggling job.

Among accomplishments almost too staggering to contemplate, he reduced the tax burden for corporations and the most deserving among us; aspired to increasing prosperity through deregulation and America-first trade deals; rode the coattails of the stock market to new highs and unemployment to new lows; talked about keeping wealth and jobs at home; fostered diplomacy with perfect phone calls with foreign leaders; nurtured hydrocarbon energy production along coastlines and in parks; fought for the second amendment with both barrels; and did his damndest to repeal DACA.

The president is getting closer to repealing Obamacare and will replace it with something even better, once he figures out what that is.

His court appointments are a conservative’s dream come true. With the aiding and abetting of Mitch McConnell, he has transformed the federal judiciary by installing hundreds of rightwing white male judges and several female counterparts who will reshape American life for generations to come.

One footnote to all these accomplishments was his effort to buck up our troops with a little tough-love name calling. Another was his attempt to make the mail great again, nearly restoring the postal service to its heyday of the Pony Express.

But perhaps his greatest achievement was that he gave hope to poor, angry, forgotten, disaffected white patriots. He repeatedly vowed he was fighting for us while watching TV in the White House and made us feel anything was possible. It still might be if we give him a second chance.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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