(NOT EDITED) In an attempt to manipulate the coming US election, Putin sent one of his spies into the White House, disguised as a sous-chef. Security screening the spy were too busy keeping HIM away from Chancellor Merkel just in case she sneezed on HIM. The Russian sous-chef slipped by and prepared a marzipan tart, HIS favorite!
He also slipped a few drops of Russia's favorite poison, Novichock, into the tart and, after consuming several huge pieces, HE fell ill. Keeping the attack top secret, the FBI issued the following statement:
"The president has caught corona and his missus too!"
Before HE was carted off to a local hospital, HE, told his press officers to tell the world that HE has the dreaded virus, and it wasn't Putin. Luckily, after consuming the tart, White House nurses stuck their finger down his ginormous throat and HE puked the shit out, just like HE does when HE's on TV, puking shit out!
The reason for the cover-up and issuing of fake-news, his favorite hobby, is obvious; trailing in the sympathy charts against the other Jurassic candidate, it's a perfect opportunity for HIM to gain sympathy votes.
From his hospital bed HE sent Putin a huge; "благодарю вас (thanks a million pal) for manipulating the US Election once again, what would I do without you?" Tweet.
Putin denied anything to do with poisoning HIM and went for a bare-back ride on a passing grizzly bear...