WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) Pundits report that Tiffany Trump knocked her speech out of the park. She spoke about her father’s tax problems, and then went right into self-care, in regards to her hair, her outfit, her make-up, and her love for rescue penguins.
She noted that her step-mother, Melania, had helped her with her hair and make-up, and her step-sister Ivanka had helped her with her pronunciation of the words photosynthesis, synchronization, and Massachusetts.
Eric Trump, meanwhile, had the same strange glassy-eyed look that his brother Donnie “The Key” Trump Jr. had on the opening night of the Republican National Convention.
Little Eric kind of messed up pretty bad when he said that he supported his dad’s idea of erecting a statue of Confederate General Stonewall Jackson in the Rose Garden.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, spoke from Jerusalem, Israel, where he had gone to dedicate the newest Trump Hotel. He basically didn’t say squat, twice mumbling something about diet bagels.
And former Florida attorney general Pam Bondi, said that she loves the president so much that Melania better be careful. She later said that she was just joking.
Bondi did take a few moments to dispel the rumor that, since leaving office, she’s been working as a pole dancer at Orlando’s Casa de Mucho Joy Lounge.
The ditzy fake blonde also pointed out that the rumor that she has a tramp stamp with the initials DJT is totally false, as Eric Trump later confirmed.
Meanwhile, Trump’s two ass-kissing Aunt Tomasina sisters, Diamond and Silk, are reportedly furious that they have not been asked to speak at, as comedian Zydeco Dupree calls it, the Trumpapalooza Convention.