Wolfman Jack Statue Toppled: Anguished Howls Heard In The Night

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Tuesday, 21 July 2020

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Wolfman Jack

BILLINGSGATE POST: Who would dare defy the God of Wolves? A self-styled demon himself, Wolfman Jack patterned himself after Fenrir, a monstrous wolf of Norse mythology. Fenrir was the issue of the demoniac god Loki and an Amazonian giantess named Angerboda. What better role model could one ask for?

Last night, in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, an angry mob of dystopian wackos, screaming like caterwauling Banshee rag pickers, gathered with ropes and flares in the public square where the statue of Wolfman Jack hovered over them; a menacing remembrance of a time when he ruled the air waves of American music.

Apocalyptically speaking, Wolfman Jack’s horses could not be harnessed. In Biblical lore, the Four Horsemen were known as Famine, Pestilence, Destruction and Death. Wolfman Jack was none of these, while all of these. He rode his horses hard. But he didn’t put them away wet.

The rabid mob that met that evening was not merely a roundup of the usual suspects. This was not Casablanca. But they formed the crest of a destructive cyclone that was sweeping the Nation before which no statue could stand.

A cyclone can't be snared. It may be surrounded, but somewhere it breaks through to keep on going. When the cyclone starts from Beaver Crossing, where there is but one stoplight, those in the way must take shelter before being swept away. His statue went down. But it did not whimper. It snarled and snapped at the pig farmers who felled it. Only citizen, Elmer Smuckmeister, felt remorse over the fallen legend. It was he who hooked it up to his John Deere and hauled it to the dump.

Lamented Smuckmeister: “I went to sleep each night listening to his anguished howling.”

Wolfman Jack was born Robert Weston Smith. He was an American disc jockey. Famous for his gravelly voice, he credited it for his success.

“A couple of shots of whiskey helps it. I’ve got that nice raspy sound.”

Although he died in 1995, his legend lives on. Every night for over six decades, millions of his fans listened to him on the radio. During the peak of his career, Wolfman Jack was heard on over 2000 radio stations in 53 countries. He was a border blaster, operating out of Mexico, and powered at 250,000 watts, it was said that you could drive from New York to LA without changing stations.

Slim: “He yipped and howled like a mad wolf.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I wonder why they called him Wolfman Jack?”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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