BILLINGSGATE POST: Elmer Smuckmeister was not your typical 80-year-old geezer. He was born at night, but not last night. Over the years, he hadn’t had much luck in his love life. There wasn’t much to choose from in his hometown of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska. And most of the local debutantes had left for greener pastures.
He had a plan though. Going on one of those dating sites, he advertised himself as a country gentleman of means. His banker friend, who had been divorced three times, told him that, for every million dollars you had, you could buy down about 10 years. So Elmer thought he would go for broke.
He walked into a jewelry store on that Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
Elmer said; “No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring out.
“Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000,” the jeweler said. “It’s the famous Azure Blue which once belonged to the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.”
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, '”We'll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made.
In his best British accent, he answered: “By check, old man. I know you need to make sure my check is good. So I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned Elmer and said, “Sir...There's no money in that account!’
''I know,” said Elmer. “But let me tell you about my weekend.”
Slim: “Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”
Dirty: “Yo Dude. I left my ring in the bathtub.”