No Holes Matter: Rioters Topple Outhouse Of Elmer Smuckmeister

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Monday, 15 June 2020

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BILLINGSGATE POST: It is not a good time to be seen riding a bronze horse in a city park, or to be a statue of Columbus. Nor is it a good time to be taking a crap in an outhouse in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska.

As always, timing is everything.

How was retired octogenarian farmer, Elmer Smuckmeister, to know that his three-holer outhouse had fallen out of favor with local "No Holes Matter" hooligans who invaded his farmyard this Friday evening?

Anyone who has ever entered the sacred confines of an outhouse, pulled his pants down, and put his rump over a dark hole cut out of a wooden plank to answer the call of nature, knows that this beats settling on a sterile ceramic throne, both aesthetically and ergonomically.

It wasn’t that Elmer’s home lacked indoor plumbing - he could have had a toilet installed when he remodeled his cozy farmhouse in 1982 - but he thought that this convenience was just a fad.

Anyway, Nature called him that fateful evening.

And now, for the rest of story: Elmer was admitted to the Beaver Crossing Hospital with his pants still down and shit stains on his backside. He suffered buttock contusions that were not thought to be life-threatening. The local constable said that it was thought outsiders were responsible.

Slim: "Is nothing sacred?"

Dirty: "Yo, Dude. I hear that they are even going after Winston Churchill."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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