BILLINGSGATE POST: In a special to be aired on prime time TV next Sunday, Elmer Smuckmeister will go up against Manchester United football icon, Harry Maguire, in a cow pie throwing contest.
With the Coronavirus pandemic virtually shutting down all forms of sports competition, and ESPN trying desperately to fill their schedule, it was only natural that they would reach out to the United footballer, Maguire, to go up against 80-year-old Smuckmeister in this eclectic contest, which is staged annually in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, where cows outnumber humans by 12 to 1.
Maguire, bored stiff and looking for an event that would allow for competition and still observe social distancing, has been cross training for the last two months, after being challenged by World Cow Pie Throwing Champion, Smuckmeister.
Every year in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, the Official World Championship Cow Chip Throwing Contest determines just who can chuck a dried cow turd the furthest. And they’ll tell you, if it’s your first time, that licking your fingers between throws - you only get two chances - will give you good luck and a better grip.
A warning to Harry Maguire: Novice throwers generally go with the ”bigger is better rule,” selecting the largest chips they can find. Veterans, though, look for ones smaller in diameter but with some heft to them, and as perfectly round as possible. The veteran throwers are also better about keeping their mouths closed as the wind whips through the crowd and debris flecked from the chips goes flying every which where.
Slim: “Sure beats watching reruns of the 2018 World Cup.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Let’s watch cow pies fly.”