The City of Chattanooga Will Be Taking Down the Statue of One of the Confederacy’s Most Beloved Civil War Drummer Boys

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 20 June 2020

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Billy Rebel, at the age of 9, was one of the youngest Confederate drummer boys.

CHATTANOOGA – By a vote of 7 to 3, the town council has decided to remove the statue of little Billy Rebel, who, at 9, was one of the youngest Civil War drummer boys to serve in the Confederacy.

Billy, whose real name was William Earl Whitewater, of Cricket Balls, Mississippi, served with the 73rd Mississippi Calvary Volunteers Regiment, which was led by cavalry General Throckington “Saddle Sores” Cornheimer.

Old “Saddle Sores” was noted for saying, “Fellers, it ain’t no picnic to have ta be shootin’ our fella cuzzins, uncs, grandpappies, and in the case of Private Lancaster 'Okra' Dingworth his own beloved mama Betty Sue 'I Got Your Onions' Dingworth."

Little Billy Rebel, was one of the top 3 drummer boys in the entire Confederacy.

In fact, using an anachronistic hypothetical scenario, Billy was considered to be the Keith Moon of Civil War drummer boys.

According to his grandfather, Billy could play about 73 or so Civil War songs, including the very popular “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, which was written by Francis Scott Key in the Key of E.

Sad to say, little Billy was injured at the Battle of The Fallen Horse - originally known as The Battle of The Fallen Whores - when he was injured during a food-fight.

According to medical reports little Billy received an injury to his uvula, when he was hit by a piece of sourdough cornbread that, ironically, was thrown by old General "Saddle Sores".

Little Billy was immediately sent back home to Turkey Tits, Tennessee, where he eventually became a music teacher, giving drum lessons for 14 cents an hour.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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